The Feer Good Five
by Orrick
Summary: Five Crittannians journey to Hogwarts not knowing what to expect. When they find out that they're part of a prophecy ending with a murder, can they all save themselves, or will one have to be thrown under the bus?
1. Prologue

Leif, Sassy, Axle, Leopard, and Bruised were all sitting in their living room nonchalantly when Leif suddenly got an idea. "Hey guys, I think I should make a site where pubescent teenagers can cyber."

Sassy said "no" but Leif was already stroking a nonexistent beard. "I think I'll call it... Omegle."

Everyone else thought that was a terrible name, but Leif had set his mind to it, already designing a shitty logo on his eco-friendly notebook.

BOOM!

A very pale and very ugly creature appeared in the room in a cloud of smoke, pulling out a stick and pointing it at them. It was wearing black robes that swept around its feet and buttoned at the chest. It sneered at them, its snakelike nostrils flaring with each heavy breath it took.

Sassy stumbled back and gripped a table with both hands, hiding behind it, her eyes narrowed into slits almost as thin as the creature's nostrils. Leopard waddled at the creature with a hacksaw in her hand, but halfway there she lost her train of thought and forgot what she was doing. Leif was clinging onto Axle, who looked pissed and was trying to push the older boy off. Bruised continued to knit, either oblivious to the current scene or choosing to ignore it.

The ugly creature parted its cracked lips to whisper menacingly to the group. "I...shall...end...you." It raised the stick a few inches higher, straightening its shoulders and taking in a deep breath. "Avad-"

"'Scuse me." Leif loosened his death grip on Axle and looked at the monster with scared but slightly annoyed eyes. "But this is a violation of section D of the _Programmer Handbook_ and I for one-"

"SILENCE!" Roared the monster, whipping its wand at Leif and mumbling something. Leif screamed as he froze, ice spreading all over his body and finally around his head. He fell to his knees and then face first to the ground, his eyes frozen in the look of shock he possessed before he was cursed.

Everyone groaned at Leif's stupidity, facepalming and cursing him under their breath. Axle ran up and kicked Leif in the shin before quickly resuming his position near the couch.

The ugly white guy looked around with its scarlet eyes, blinking once, and then again. It stood still for a moment, a quick decision flashing before its eyes. A pop, and it was gone.

"What the hell was that about?" Sassy questioned, walking to where the monster stood moments before. She peered suspiciously at the ground, decided it wasn't a threat, and looked at the four other people scattered across the room.

"I don't know." Bruised said, still knitting. "And in all honestly, I don't give a shit. I'm almost done with my design."

Leopard did a sort of jig over to Sassy, stopping beside her and squatting to look at Leif. "Who's gonna carry Frozen Leif over to the fire to warm up?"

"Not me." They all chanted, and Leopard reluctantly grabbed Leif' left foot, grimacing at the cold. She pulled him over to the fireplace, turning it on and throwing Leif on the open flames. Axle stared at it Leif's frozen body sitting in the middle of the fire for a moment before shaking his head.

A few hours later Leif was complaining about third degree burns while everybody else ignored him.

BUT SUDDENLY

A large explosion erupted from the center of the room, gas rolling out of it in short waves, causing all of them to cough and the collapse. A figure could be seen amidst the gas, and it bent over to look at the person closest to it, Bruised. The last thing Bruised saw was the face of Albus Dumbledore.

And then it all went black.


	2. The Private Sorting

"Are they awake?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

"Stop treating me like an idiot!"

"How did I treat you like an idiot?"

"JUST SHUT UP MINERVA! MERLIN!"

Leif let out a groan as he blinked his eyes open, groggily lifting his head. His vision was blurry but he could see that there were four lumps around him, all very still. As he pushed himself off the floor, he looked around and saw light streaming through many large windows, all of which were facing him. He tried to manage a sitting position, but pain erupted in his head and he fell back, screaming.

"Look Minerva! They're awake!"

"No, Albus, _one_ is awake."

An elderly man in pearly white robes approached the group of people, poking a few of them curiously and then turning to Leif. The man had a long white beard, long hair, and a creepy bird perched on his shoulder. He looked exactly like a rapist, and Leif screamed in both pain and fear. "Don't rape me! I'm saving myself for my robot! It's almost built!" He cried, hugging himself.

"I'm not going to rape you, silly." The man smiled. "I'm going to protect you! My name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, but most people here just call me Albus Dumbledore." He sighed, looking at the group of still bodies surrounding him. "Your friends must wake before I can fully explain, so we must wait. For now, you can take this." Dumbledore handed him a small bottle filled with a pink liquid.

Leif took it and threw it across the room. "No way am I accepting candy from strangers." He pushed his glasses farther up his nose. "I'm smarter than that. I'm a programmer."

Dumbledore sighed again. The potion would have cured any pain the young man was experiencing, but he decided not to argue, and sat next to a woman Leif did not notice before. She looked like a total bitch and Leif had the sudden urge to run away.

About fifteen minutes later the rest of the group had started to wake up, and they all eagerly accepted the potion, grinning happily, painless.

"Now." Dumbledore started, eyes sweeping across the small group in front of him. "You are probably wondering who that was that attacked you." He looked grim. "I am sorry to say... but you five have just come face to face with Lord Voldemort." He expected a major reaction, possibly tears or suicide attempts. They all just stared.

"Voldewart?" Axle questioned, scrunching his eyebrows. "I don't know what that is."

The bitch-like woman threw her hands up and muttered "honestly!" but Dumbledore quickly hushed her. "You may not know, but you all are what we consider Muggles. Not Muggs, and not Les, but Muggles. Muggles." He stopped, trying to see if they understood. "M as in Microwave, U as in Unicorn, G as in Grass-"

"We get it!" Sassy huffed angrily, glaring at the man with intense annoyance.

"Anyhoo, Volde_mort_-" He looked pointedly at Axle. "-is a very powerful wizard, and you are very lucky that you all came out alive. I do not know why he chose not to kill you, but that is not important right now. What is important is that you are ALL wizards, and you all must prepare yourselves for another attack."

"I knew it!" Bruised suddenly exclaimed, looking around. "I knew I possessed a talent for Witchcraft. I knew buying that cauldron and brewing my own butterscotch candies would pay off!" When the four just stared at her, she continued. "What? No one here likes butterscotch candies? It's great for sex! I once stuck one up my-"

"MOVING on," Axle quickly interrupted, looking at Dumbledore. "What do you mean, wizards?"

Sassy looked at Axle from the corners of her eyes, annoyed. "Wizards, as in, magic. You can learn it in the book titled _Common Sense_, which should be included with every baby born."

"Shut up bitch! Not what I meant!" Axle made an attempt to hit the older teen, but Dumbledore pulled out a stick and flicked it, causing Axle to speed toward a wall, slamming his back against it and slumping to the ground. He regained his composure and looked at everybody. "What? I could have blocked that if I wanted to."

Leopard, however, was looking at the stick in Dumbledore's hand. "Why does everyone carry sticks?" She pointed toward it for emphasis, dropping her hand the moment he started to speak.

"This, child, is a wand. Wizards use them to use magic, though sometimes we can do magic without a wand. Minerva-" He looked behind him where the bitch woman was sitting. "-has your wands in a box that I will give to you shortly along with your school books and your uniforms. They aren't going to be binded to you, but they will suffice until you can go to Ollivander's."

Sassy stood up and brushed herself off, heading for the door. "You say all of this as if it is supposed to make sense. Where they hell are we, anyway? And why are these tables so long?"

Dumbledore smiled. "We are in the Great Hall, where all the students of Hogwarts come to eat. In fact, breakfast should be starting any minute now." At his words, many students came in the room, knocking Sassy over in a rush to get a good seat and meet their friends. She screeched as a blond boy with a green tie trampled over her, ignoring her attempts to stop him and getting footprints all over her clothes. She stood up, brushing herself off once more, and stalked up to Dumbledore.

"Look, mister, I have things I have to do and I can't stay here for any longer. So, if you don't mind, show me the exit and wave as you see me leaving."

Dumbledore's smile dropped almost instantly. "I'm afraid you can't leave. None of you can." He looked around. "If you leave, even for a moment, you will surely die."

All five of them looked at him, and after a minute or two of complete silence, Leif spoke. "So you're s-saying, if we leave, V-Voldemort will kill us?" He said it kind of loud, and the students all around the room gasped in horror. A raven-haired boy, however, looked at the five curiously.

Dumbledore swept his hand up, as if to say "Stand." They did, and he started to walk toward the large doors at one of the ends of the Hall, his robes sweeping dust off the floor behind him. They, along with bitch woman, walked down many corridors and up and down many steps, finally stopping at the statue a large gargoyle. "Fizzing Whizbees." Dumbledore murmured, increasing their thought that he was insane.

They traveled up revolving steps and into a cramped room, filled with trinkets and souvenirs, some spinning or letting out annoying beeps. The large bird that was perched on Dumbledore's shoulder jumped off and swooped over to a cage, landing on it gracefully and turning his head so a beady eye could stare at them.

They sat Indian style on the floor, looking up at him like five year olds about to hear a story. Dumbledore inhaled a deep breath of air, his face grim. Finally, he spoke.

He told them of Harry Potter, the boy who lived, and how he nearly defeated Lord Voldemort. He told them of Voldemort's Death Eaters, the Sorcerer's Stone, the Chamber of Secrets. He told them of how Voldemort regained his powers on the night of the Third Task, killing a Hufflepuff("a Hufflepuff?" Questioned Bruised.) boy and nearly killing Harry Potter. He told them of the Ministry of Magic, Dolores Umbridge, and finally, of everything Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was and stood for. As he grew silent and let the knowledge sink in, Leif snorted and looked around.

"You expect us to believe this crap? All of this-" He waved his hand carelessly. "-is special effects. Magic tricks. Looks convincing, but it isn't." He tried to get up, but Leopard grabbed his robes harshly and pulled him back down. Leif whined when his ass hit the floor hard, but had not time to complain as Dumbledore finally introduced the bitch woman.

"This is Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress and the Transfiguration Master at Hogwarts. She will be giving you your clothes and wands and books, like I said earlier." McGonagall scowled, throwing a bunch of boxes down and looking at Dumbledore sourly. He was oblivious.

"Great!" He clasped his hands together, looking at them all with a twinkle in his eyes. "Now, we're going to do a private Sorting right now. Don't be scared, it'll all be over soon."

Axle raised his hand. "What's a Sorting?"

"Well, a Sorting is like choosing which team a person is going to be on. Here at Hogwarts there are four houses: Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff. Each house has unique qualities. The house you are in has a direct effect on which road you will travel, whether it be the qualities you have or the people you meet."

He turned around and picked up an ugly ass hat. "This is the Sorting Hat. Put it on your head and it will sort you." Before she could run away, Dumbledore slammed the hat on Sassy's head, and it almost at once yelled:

"SLYTHERIN!"

Dumbledore frowned, picking the hat back up and whispering something to the hat. The Sorting Hat grumbled as Dumbledore placed it back on Sassy's head and it muttered "Gryffindor..."

"Great!" Dumbledore clasped his hands together again as Sassy had a confused and slightly pissed off expression on her face. He turned to Leif, who scrambled away, but Dumbledore grabbed him by the collar and shoved the hat on Leif's head.

"RAVEN-I mean, GRYFFINDOR!"

And so it happened with the other three people, the hat paused for a moment before screaming or sighing "Gryffindor." As Axle was begrudgingly sorted into Gryffindor, Dumbledore clapped happily and turned to McGonagall. "Go create another wing in the Gryffindor tower for these fine fellows!" She sighed, walking out and muttering something that sound like "crazy old fool" under her breath.

"Now, I must warn you." Dumbledore conjured a platter of tea and biscuits with a flick of his wand. "The Gryffindors are very, very awesome!" He laughed, waving his hand at the platter. "Tea?"

"We're Americans, we don't drink tea." Bruised informed him, all of them huddling into a protective circle as if to shield out all the magic.

"Very well." Dumbledore took a biscuit for himself and chewed it thoughtfully for a moment. "I'm not sure what year I should place you in. You know of no magic, of course, but putting you in first year seems a tad bit inappropriate. The class I do select will be crowded for the rest of the year, but as we are only one week into term they have all year to get used to it." He chewed very slowly, looking at something in the distance, not blinking. Five minutes later he jumped to his feet, startling them all and causing Axle to knock over a book in surprise.

"I know!" He exclaimed, raising his index finger; they half expected to see a light bulb appear above his head. "I shall put you in fifth year." He nodded. "Yes. That is what I shall do. You will be in the same class as Harry Potter, and as you and he have a similar experience, this can only work out well!" He giggled.

"You may go to your rooms now and unpack."

"What the hell do we have to unpack?" Sassy looked angry. "Look around, we have nothing!" Leif did his bear growl for emphasis, and Dumbledore just flicked his wand again. All their personal belongings that were originally at their house appeared before them, neatly packed in the same type of suitcase stamped with the Hogwarts seal.

"LOL Sassy has to eat her own words." Leopard giggled and received a punch in the arm by an extremely pissed off Sassy.

"Oh, fuck you." She said, grabbing her bags, which were a dark blue, and heading towards the door.

"Those are my bags." Leopard whined, slumping her shoulders and letting tears roll down her cheeks. Sassy was about to give a sharp retort and possibly a swift attack, but then realized that "Leopard" was, in fact, neatly labeled over the top of the suitcases she had grabbed. She dropped them carelessly, grabbing her own, and walking out the door.

"Stop!" Axle yelled. "You don't even know where our room is!"

"I don't give a shit. I'll find it." Sassy said, walking out the doors and not looking back.

Dumbledore watched her go with some interest, and finally, he moved over to where they were standing, bags in hand, and spoke. "Allow me to lead you to your room." His face turned serious. "Bad things happen to those who get lost in Hogwarts."


	3. Dressing & Stressing

"This is great!" Axle exclaimed as he plopped down on one of the large four-posters in the room. "It's like, unbelievable. We get to learn magic and spells and shit, and the best part is, we get to live here, in this giant castle!"

The room was round and smelled vaguely of piss. Pretty much everything in the room was either red or gold, the colors clashing horribly with the bright orange tape Leopard was wrapping around the posters of her bed. Leif was busy trying to find an outlet to plug his three laptops and four desktops in, but the only thing the walls seemed to have built into them was a window, an ugly ass fireplace, and a very, very old heater. He got on his hands and knees, peering under his bed and darting his hand all around.

"Not a one." He said grumpily, taking all of his computers and shoving them off to the side. Bruised had unpacked most of her belongings and was currently trying to seal her sex toys in the trunk at the foot of her bed, slamming the lid down and whistling innocently.

"Hey," Leopard stopped wrapping tape around one of her posters, ripping it off the roll with her teeth and turning to the group with slight concern. "Did anyone see Sassy on our way here? She should be here already." All of them shrugged, and Leopard just said "oh well" and went back to vandalizing her bed.

But as Leif tried to create an outlet with his stick, as Bruised sprayed her sheets with _Bottled Sex_, as Axle put his portable drum set back together, and as Leopard taped herself to the wall, Sassy was walking in the wrong direction. She passed the kitchens, the entrance to the dungeons, the Great Hall(again), the third corridor, and many, many different places before stopping and bitching at the air.

"WHY DOES THIS PLACE HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HUGE?" She grabbed fist fulls of her hair, making as if she was going to pull, but stopped because she was a pussy. "So many damn classrooms and damn useless statues and shit and no signs and FUCK THIS!" She grabbed her bags and once again set off in a different direction, going into a random room and slamming the door so hard dust shook off the ceiling.

It was a girl's bathroom. One that had obviously not been used in many years. Sassy scowled at the tackiness of the place and set her bags down, going to a sink to splash her face with water. She had almost reached it when a something flashed in the corner of her eye. Dismissing it as hallucinations, she continued to walk to the dirty sink, chancing a glance where she had saw something.

It was a ghost. It was the only thing it could be. She looked about Sassy's age, and had a similar expression that was on Sassy's face: sour and depressed. The ghost swooped over to Sassy, floating a few inches above her and looking at her with no form of manners. "Why are you here? To make fun of me?" She sniffed, rubbing her eyes with her transparent hands. Without warning she floated away, bursting into tears.

Sassy, deciding not to question her good luck in the ghost leaving, ignored this occurrence and tried to wash her hands. But as she did so, the ghost broke something in the stall she went into, causing water to spurt everywhere and get Sassy wet. Sassy grimaced, having never been wet in her life.

"Fuck you!" She flipped the stall off, which was useless, because the ghost was behind the stall and obviously could not see her. She pushed the door open with a force that made the ghost wail even more, water now leaking across the floor.

Sassy picked her bags up on the way out and stormed down the hall, looking for a sign of life. Everyone was in class and she was annoyed as hell. There was only one place she could go, and that was to Dumbledore's office.

Fifteen minutes later Sassy had managed to find the Headmaster's office, standing outside the entrance where the stone gargoyle stood. "Um." She could not remember the password. "Fitting Wizards." The gargoyle did nothing. "Frickled Wizwards." Nothing. "Pissing Quitters." Again, nothing. "Whizzing Fizbees." Nothing. "Damn it, I thought that one would work."

Finally, on her 75th try, she guessed "Fizzing Whizbees," and the gargoyle reluctantly moved, revealing a door. Sassy walked up to Dumbledore's office without any hesitation and entered it without knocking. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, bent over some papers, writing furiously with a quill. He looked very intent on what he was doing but Sassy had no ethic preventing her from interrupting him from his work.

"I need to find my common room." She huffed, hands on her hips. Dumbledore looked up, saw the state she was in, and took out a fresh piece of parchment that he began to scribble furiously on. Sassy, assuming he was ignoring her, screamed in frustration and built up sexual tension.

Dumbledore, oblivious, continued to scribble tirelessly, finally folding up the note and throwing it across the room, where it promptly started to fly out of his door and through the castle.

"What the hell did you just do?" Sassy looked at Dumbledore, where the note had once been, and then at Dumbledore again. "Where is that going? Why does everything you do not make any fucking sense?"

Dumbledore sighed at the Gryffindor's profound language but chose not to point it out. Instead, he answered her first two questions. "I just sent a letter to Proffesor McGongall telling her to come here and lead you to the Gryffindor common room. Chances are I'll get a scathing note in reply, but she will follow my order." He smiled. "Minerva is my best friend!"

"I didn't really ask about that last part and I can't say I give even a tiny bit of a shit about it either." Sassy scowled, looking around at all the stupid stuff piled in the Headmaster's office. As Sassy thought about all of her problems, Leif, back in the Gryffindor tower, was having some problems of his own.

"This uniform makes me look fat." He whined, raising his arms and looking at himself with a frown.

"Leif, trust me, you are skinny as fuck." Axle told him, looking at his own uniform and robes with interest. "These are pretty sweet. Makes us look sophisticated and shit." He turned around a few times, the simple black robes all students were assigned billowing behind him.

Everyone had put on their uniform and were admiring it. Well, except for Leif. He sniffed, going into the bathroom and checking himself out in the mirror.

"Well, I guess I look okay." He called from the bathoom, his voice sounding an octave higher than usual.

They all straightened their ties like a boss and looked at each other as if to say "What now?" They had unpacked, dressed, and they all had their wands safely in their pockets.

Leif walked out of the bathroom, sucking in his stomach and standing up as straight as possible. "Hello." He looked around, eyes narrowed in overplayed suspicion. "Why is everyone _staring_ at me?" He whined, sucking his stomach in even farther. He walked slowly over to his bed, sitting on it with one leg folded over the other. After another moment of awkward silence, Leif broke it once again by complaining. "I think this tie doesn't match my overall tone." He grabbed it carelessly, letting it drop back on his chest. "Look. Totally doesn't fit."

"We care." Bruised muttered, loud enough for him to hear. Leif got a sour expression on his face that made his face look all scrunched up and wrinkly, as if to say "I'm offended."

They all sat there kind of awkwardly, looking around at each other with neutral expressions. They didn't really want to go down to the common room, where the other students would probably be staring. Dumbledore had said that all the classes should have been informed by the end of first period, but they would no doubt be questioned.

They were all wondering what their lessons would be like the next day when Sassy slammed the door open and strode in without bothering to glance at anyone. She looked horrible, wet and nasty and sticky and shit. They all followed her with their gaze as she went to the only open bed, threw her bags on it, and then strode into the bathroom without saying anything.

* * *

><p>"So I wonder who the new people are." Ron flipped his Transfiguration book over to where it was face down, looking lazily in the fire. He, Harry, and Hermione were all sitting into or next to the two best chairs in the common room, their homework scattered about carelessly.<p>

Harry didn't answer for a moment; he was writing furiously on a piece of parchment about the Homosexuality Outbreak in the 1750's and how this affected the breeding of wizards. After a few lines he realized his penmanship was too scribbled to read, so he crumpled the paper up and threw it in the fire.

"I dunno Ron. They might get to empathize with me." When Hermione and Ron looked at Harry curiously, he reluctantly continued. "I overheard them in the Great Hall this morning at breakfast. Apparently Voldemort wants to kill them too!"

"Don't be an asshat Harry, no one can empathize with you." Hermione went back to her report on modern Charms, ignoring Harry.

Harry frowned, but then swelled with pride at how unique he was. He was _special_. Different. IMPORTANT!

"I bet three galleons that Umbridge will hate them." Ron sneered, thinking of the toad faced, ugly whore. "_Hem hem_, I don't think we should allow students like this, Dumbledore." He raised his voice a few octaves.

Nobody laughed or took him up on his bet. Ron was glad, knowing that he didn't have a galleon, let alone three.

Ten minutes later one of the students shoved her way through the portal hole, cursing the Fat Lady, and running up the wrong steps and cursing some more. Eventually, she found the RIGHT flight of steps, stomping up them and flipped everyone in the room off as she did, including Professor McGonagall.

Everybody in the room had a pokerface on, even McGonagall, waiting for someone to speak. Finally, the professor left, muttering "five points from Gryffindor," which made all the pokerfaces turn into ragefaces and an occasional trollface.

A few minutes later, when everyone had gone back to what they were doing, another new student came down the steps. She sat down next to Neville, pulling out a book and setting it upside down on the table. Neville sweated, not knowing what to say. It wasn't until she introduced herself that he actually managed to speak. "Hi, I'm Leopard, but you can call me Leo."

"I-I'm Neville." He said kind of fearfully, looking where the angry student had just gone and back to Leopard again. "Neville Longbottom."

"Your last name is funny. I wish I had a last name like that."

"Erm, what's your last name?" He squirmed in his seat.

"I don't know." She looked thoughtful. "Huh. Never thought about it. Welp," She picked up her book, having not looked at it this entire time. "I guess I will retire for the night. Bye, friends!" She waved to the common room, almost mockingly, and strutted up the steps, fixing her tie and dropping her book three times. She hadn't been in the common room for two minutes.

They were reminded strongly of Luna Lovegood.


	4. Shitty Classes

Leif scanned over the crumply schedule Professor McGonagall had shoved at his chest moments before. He sniffed, looking at the others with some annoyance and some dislike. "It says that breakfast is in the Great Hall, where we were so rudely put when we were kidnapped. Apparently they serve British food...ew." He brought the paper up closer, looking at the classes listed. "We have Transfiguration first. Isn't that what Professor Mc-something teaches?"

They had all slept horribly, tossing and turning, Bruised claiming the magic around the castle was affecting her sleep. The beds were old and the musky urine smell didn't go away, no matter how much _Bottled Sex_ Bruised sprayed. Sassy had not said a word since she arrived to the common room, except a murmur in the night that sounded suspiciously like "Fuck magic." Leopard had tried to crawl in her bed to cheer her up but Sassy had pushed her away with a hiss.

Now it was early morning, all of them just waking up. Professor McGonagall had knocked on their door, reminding them that they would start their classes today, and shoved a schedule at the nearest person. She hadn't looked pleased, and all of them were slightly worried that she would be as big of a bitch as she came off as.

But they had other problems to worry about. Would they be good at magic? Would other people laugh at them? Leif didn't want to leave their room because of this, and Sassy and Bruised had to grab him by the ankles and drag him down the stairs and to the common room. The force of this caused him to get scrapes and carpet burn across his body, but no one cared.

"Goodie there aren't a lot of people in here." Axle looked around. They had only gotten a glimpse of the common room when Dumbledore had led them through it and to their dorm, but they could not stop to let the beauty of it sink in. The tables were old and almost all of them were crooked; the squashy arm chairs had lumps in them and stuffing leaking out from the scratches on them undoubtedly caused by many generations of cats. The paint on the walls was peeling off, dust collecting across the whole room making everything dull. Stains were on almost every surface, cigarette burns on the desks and names carved on the wooden surfaces.

"This place is a dump." Sassy scowled, and Leopard gasped, eyeing her with disbelief.

"Dump? DUMP? This is a palace!" She stretched her hand out dramatically. "One must look at the beauty that is scratched in the soul, not on the surface."

"You know what?" Sassy threw her hands up. "You NEVER make ANY sense, so I'm just going to ignore you for now on. Yep. That's what I'm going to do." She picked up the Transfiguration book she had sat on a table and rushed out of the room, the rest of them looking at each other blankly and then running to catch up with her.

"You're such a drama queen." Bruised pointed out, nearly tripping on an overturned statue of a mountain troll. "If I were you, I'd go see a doctor."

"Well, you're not me."

"Thankfully."

Sassy scowled even more, but they were a corridor away from the Great Hall, and all of them had to build up their nerve to face the whole school.

When they entered the Great Hall, they did not expect so many people. Four long tables sat vertically in the large room, with a horizontal one at the end. As they walked in, hundreds of heads turned to stare at them curiously, the chatter ceasing and the breakfast left forgotten. Dumbledore clapped happily, calling "Sit, friends!" from across the room and pointing to an open space at the Gryffindor table.

They all reluctantly shifted towards where Dumbledore was pointing, Sassy shooting glares at everybody she could and Axle laughing at a Slytherin boy that looked like a girl.

The spot at the table was across from where the raven-haired boy that was staring at them rudely earlier was sitting. They sat down, Leif gasping at all the food and immediately shoveling every bit of food within his grasp toward him, annoying the other students that sat around them.

They sat there awkwardly, staring at each other for ten minutes before a ginger boy who was skinny as hell spoke up. "So like, where are you guys from?" He raised a spoonful of pudding and sucked it in his mouth, smearing it all over his chin. "Flitwick said that Gryffindor was getting new students, and that you'd be different ages than what fifth year usually had. He told us not to talk about it, but blimey, it's odd. So where are you from?"

"Well, Leif here-" Bruised waved her hand towards the unhealthily skinny programmer who was pretending his spoonful of yogurt was a plane. "-is from god knows where. Probably from the factory. I'm from America, Leopard is from America, Sassy is from America, and Axle is from your mom's bedroom."

Ron scowled, and Axle piped "Hey!" but Bruised just shrugged and eyed the Headmaster, ignoring them.

"Who are you?" Leopard looked at the three people sitting across from them, counting them. "One. Two. Three. Three strangers." She looked at her fingers. "Three strangers. Five strangers." She looked up, eyes wide. "Eight friends. EIGHT FRIENDS. EIGHT FRIENDS!"

"Er." The black-haired boy said, his eyes darting around and landing on Cho Chang, who was looking at the sudden commotion with interest. "I'm Harry, this is Ron, and this is Hermione." He pointed to the last two.

"Ron, Harry, Hermon." Leopard mimicked. "Nice to meet you, Hermon." She extended her hand to Hermione.

"It's Hermione." Hermione didn't bother to look up from whatever homework she was doing, and after a few seconds Leopard dropped her hand into a bowl of pudding.

"Harry Potter." Leif looked at the boy quizzically. "Dumbledore mentioned you. Voldemort-" GASP! "-tried to kill you. And failed."

"Er, yeah. I suppose. Yeah."

"So let me ask you something, _Harry_." Sassy sneered, bully mode coming in effect. "This Chamber of Secrets, how do you open it?"

Harry positioned his glasses and looked at her with mild dislike. "You have to be a Parselmouth, _foreigner_." He mimicked, gripping the sides of the table and leaning towards her.

Sassy didn't know what the fuck a Parselmouth was, so she shut up.

They finished breakfast in silence, not looking at each other. While the school gossiped about the new students gleefully, the teachers above at the staff table did the same.

"I hope they're not troublemakers." Squeaked Flitwick, chewing on a piece of bacon.

"They most certainly will be." Snape glared at his porridge, uneaten.

"What has your green and silver panties in a knot?" McGonagall asked the Slytherin Head of House, looking at him from where she sat. "You're not usually like this. Why the hell are you eating porridge anyway? Don't you hate that stuff?"

Dumbledore was waving his wand around the room, making owls he had caught in the morning's Post dance around the ceiling. "Dolores gave him a pep talk today. She was giving him tips on how to control his classroom with more, how do you say, _humane _methods."

"Speak of the devil." Flitwick was looking at something over Dumbledore's shoulder. "I can see the fat, ugly, toad faced bitch from here."

"Filius!" McGonagall exclaimed, but didn't argue. Instead, the faculty bent their heads low as Umbridge took her seat right next to the Headmaster, pulling out her own personal breakfast and picking it up gingerly.

"So." Her voice was dripping with malice and false sincerity. "How did everyone sleep last night? Good, I hope?" She batted her eyelashes at everyone, eyes nearly popping out of her skull. She turned. "Surely you, Severus, slept wonderfully? Terrorizing those poor, poor students must tire you out?"

As if it was instinct, Harry rubbed his hand, wincing as he did so.

"I tell you Severus, you are a good teacher. _But_ you can improve. Why just yesterday Fudge, Minister of Magic, was saying..."

She droned on and on for the rest of breakfast, and one by one the teachers excused themselves to go to their classrooms.

Umbridge didn't notice a thing.

* * *

><p>"Today, class, we will be turning pincushions into porcupines. Remember the proper wand flick I have taught you, and the incantation, <em>Commutatus Porcupinus<em>. You have fifteen minutes to finish. Begin."

McGonagall watched as the fifth year Gryffindors fumbled for their notes and poked their pincushions with their wands experimentally. She sighed, walking up to the Foreign Five (as they were called, a nickname she allowed since it was nicer than the other name spreading across the school; the Flaming Foreign Fags) and pulling out her wand.

"Hopefully you have realized that this class' purpose is to teach you how to change something into something else." When they all looked at her blankly, she continued. "It is not easy, and I do not expect you to get this spell on your first try. But, when the fifteen minutes are up, I _do_ expect you to have a porcupine along with the rest of the class." Uh oh. "Just do a little flick of your wand towards the pincushion and mutter the spell."

She demonstrated, turning one of their pincushions into a porcupine and then back into a pincushion. "Are we clear? Yes? Good. If you have any questions, ask me, but don't expect an answer."

Five minutes later they were all waving their wands around and screaming "COMMUTATUS PORCUPINUS!" At the top of their voices, hitting each other in the face with their wands.

"Maybe we are just Muggles." Axle sighed, poking his pincushion angrily with the tip of his wand. He was proven wrong, however, when Leopard successfully turned her pincushion into a dying porcupine, which moments later toppled over the desk and lay on the floor, dead.

"Yay! I did it!" She jumped up and down, picking up her dead porcupine and placing it back on the table. One by one Bruised, Leif, and Sassy all managed to turn their pincushions into porcupines, now only ten minutes left.

Axle looked around nervously. All of the other students were finished and chatting with their friends. He gulped. _Maybe I'm just useless and can't do the spell. But oh no, if I can't do anything right Dumbledore will kick me out!_

He gulped again, trying the spell again...and failing. Nine minutes left. _Maybe I'm saying it wrong, maybe I'm moving my wand around wrong. I should ask somebody. But who?_

"Um, Hermione, how do you move your wand around again?" He tapped the girl in question on her shoulder, and she turned and looked at him, pulling out her wand and demonstrating. "You flick it up like this and say 'Commutatus Porcupinus' in one breath with a sharp accent on both of the _-us_."

"Uh, thank you, I guess." Axle said, not really understanding, and she nodded, turning back to talk to her friends. He tried the spell again, this time following what he told her. Nothing. "Damnit." He growling, doing it again and again, every time getting it wrong. "OH SHIT!" He looked at his watch. Only five minutes left.

The words of Professor McGonagall floated in his mind. _When the fifteen minutes are up, I do expect you to have a porcupine along with the rest of the class_.

He looked angrily at his pincushion, throwing it on the ground and stomping on it. But as he did so, a brilliant idea boiled in his mind and he looked up, a feeling of relief washing over him.

Hermione was done with her spell, and she was really smart. All he had to do was quietly take her porcupine and replace it with his pincushion; she'd think she just forgot to do the spell and redo it on his porcupine. So then they both would be finished and all would be well.

Axle was too relieved to see the very obvious flaws in this plan.

_Okay, so she's talking to that Harry Potter guy. Now would be a good time to do it._ He crept over to where her desk was, the porcupine looking up at him with beady eyes, almost angrily. He ignored these telltale signs and snatched it up, throwing his pincushion in its place. He was three steps away from his desk when the porcupine let out a shrill, terrifying screech. It clawed at his face, jumping out of his grip and running across the room.

Axle fell over, screaming in pain and clutching his face with both hands. McGonagall rushed over, looked at the frightened porcupine and pincushion on Hermione's desk. "You moron." She shook her head, not bothering to help the boy up. Axle continued to roll around on the floor, knocking over desks and chairs and causing more porcupines to freak out. There was soon the Porcupine Stampede of Hogwarts, which Binns would later go on to talk about for centuries.

* * *

><p>"Now read chapter five of your textbooks silently to yourself."<p>

Everyone rolled their eyes at how Umbridge taught a class, but did as they were told, reluctantly opening their books and turning to the appropriate page. Axle had to spend this period in the hospital wing, still crying and pounding his fists against anything that would connect with them.

The teacher wore a type of hot pink, which was rather unfitting for her personality. She rarely spoke above a soft tone, and when Bruised, Sassy, Leopard, and Leif walked into the classroom she greeted them with an almost malicious glint in her eye. They all had sat down awkwardly, pulling out their copies of the book and flipping to the chapter she mentioned, not bothering to read the previous four.

Leopard has insisted on sitting next to Neville, and the boy was too polite to refuse. About halfway through the class, when most of them had stopped attempting to read, a slip of parchment was eased over to the clumsy boy.

_How many sea lions does it take to screw in a light bulb?_

Neville looked at the note, then at Leopard, a nervous expression on his face. "Er, I don't-" Leopard shushed him and pointed to the note.

He scribbled down his response.

_**What's a light bulb?**_

_It's a thingy that sucks the light out of the people around it and brightens the room with the light it stole._

_**Oh.**_

_It's probably stolen about 5,000 dollars worth of light from me. Do you think you can ask the light bulb if it can give me the money for me?_

_**I don't know where the light bulb is.**_

_It's in my bed. But you have to come ask it late at night when everyone else is asleep._

Neville choked. He looked over at Leopard, who was drawing a unicorn on her arm.

_**Uh, I don't think I can do that. So what's the answer to the joke?**_

_What joke?_

_**The sea lions.**_

_What sea lions?_

Neville stopped responding at that point, trying to finish the chapter of the book and ignore Leopard. A table down, Sassy was finishing the book.

"Man, this fiction was boring." She sat the book down, scowling at the shitty book. "What the hell do I do now?" She threw a quill at Leif, who jerked awake and looked over at her, annoyed.

"I am your superior and you do not throw things at your superiors." He touched where the quill had hit him softly, grimacing. "Ow. Why'd you have to do that? I should probably go see the nurse at this place." He fretted. "You never know what internal injuries I may or may not have."

Suddenly, a gust of wind blew around the room, causing his book to flip open and the pages flutter madly. It finally stopped, and Leif slowly leaned in to see the page it had stopped on.

_A dementor is a scary creature that steals happy memories from a nigga and leaves them with only bad ones. Eventually, the nigga is extremely sad and can only be happy if the dementor GTFOs. A good way to make a dementor GTFO is by using the spell 'Expecto Patronum,' which creates a Patronus and shoos the dementor away. If a nigga is foolish enough to mistake a dementor for a ho and make out with it, the nigga's soul will be gone forever and he might as well be shot because he ain't ever going to do nothing again. Azkaban likes to use dementors to keep the prisoners inside, but we all know that ain't working because our brother Black escaped from that shithole awwwwwwwww._

There was a large and highly detailed picture of a dementor; a gruesome creature with a hood over its head and scabs all over the visible parts of its skeleton body. Leif read on with hysterical interest, not even putting the book down when they walked to their next class.

* * *

><p>"OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO BREW POTIONS!" Leopard jumped up and down the hall, knocking over a distressed Axle, who they had just fetched from the hospital wing. "OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED!"<p>

"Shut the fuck up." Bruised growled. "Besides, I hear the Potions teacher is mean. He'll probably make fun of you."

"OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO BREW POTIONS!"

They all sighed as they walked down the steps and into the dungeons, following the other Gryffindors. No one had talked to them much for the entire day, and since this was their last class they figured they would just have to deal with it.

The Potions master was an ugly lanky guy with greasy black hair to his shoulders. He walked into the class with a foul swagger, his robes billowing behind him for a dramatic effect. Sassy narrowed her eyes. He seemed like an arrogant piece of shit.

"Today you will be brewing a simple healing potion for cuts and sores. Madam Pomfrey has requested that all my classes brew this so she may stock her supplies." He flicked his wand and the ingredients and instructions appeared on the board. "I expect complete silence for the rest of the class." Without another word, the class began to collect their ingredients, spilling stuff here and stepping on shit there.

"Hey guys." Leif squinted. "Do you notice some...green ties in here?" He pointed to the opposite side of the classroom, and as he said, the students there were wearing green ties instead of red.

"Probably a different House." Bruised murmured.

"Yeah, there's like, four right?" Axle looked at the green ties. "Maybe we should ask...erm, Professor Snape, was it? Maybe we should ask him which House it is."

"YO PROFESSOR SNAPE WHICH HOUSE IS THAT?" Leopard waved her hand around madly. Snape smirked.

"Five points from Gryffindor for interrupting the class."

"WTF are points?" Leif asked, and they all shook their heads as if to say "who the fuck cares?" Snape frowned at their lack of reaction.

They all took out their cauldrons and started to put the ingredients in.

Ingredients

_1 quart of dragon urine_

_3 pinches of garlic_

_The blood of a virgin_

_A strand of Professor Snape's hair (lovingly provided by Professor Snape)_

_10 gallons of 2% low fat milk_

_The fang of a basilisk_

_Powder from a ground Sorcerer's Stone_

_Unicorn blood (you have to drink it and poop it out)_

The potion was going fine and dandy until Sassy screwed the fuck up and used whole milk instead of 2% in the in the potion. The potion bubbled and gurgled, screaming "I'll kill your family!" before it exploded all over everybody. Everybody's skin got really smooth, like they just put on some Olay.

Snape was red in the face and his mouth was as thin as pencil lead. "FIFTY. POINTS. FROM. GRYFFINDOR."

Sassy still didn't know what this meant, but she said "Fuck you." anyway and flipped him off with both hands.

"What horrid event in your past causes you to be such a clumsy, arrogant child with no respect for authority?" He snarled.

"Authority? You. Ha. If you're authority then Dumbledore's a faggot."

Snape looked very, very mad. "Another 10 points for your lack of respect."

"Go ahead and take 100 more, it doesn't stop me from sleeping at night."

"Very well." He suddenly grinned.

Rage broke over the whole Gryffindor fifth year class, while the green ties smirked arrogantly. Sassy yawned and made a sorry ass attempt to wipe some of her potion off the table with a napkin, wiping about an inch of space clean and then stopping.

"Detention, Miss Girl05, tonight at 7 o'clock." He turned and strode back to his desk, his greasy black hair waving in the wind caused by an invisible fan.

"Oh god my life is ruined." Sassy said, just loud enough for Snape to hear. He ignored her.

"AW that's so cute, student-teacher flirting." Bruised grinned, nudging Sassy face first into the table. The younger girl scowled, glaring at Bruised.

"Say what you like, he's ugly, annoying, rude, and I'm asexual." She pulled out a book and pretended to read, still shooting angry glares at Bruised.

* * *

><p>"This food is shit." Leif complained, chewing on a piece of lettuce. They were all sitting in the Great Hall, eating dinner. The day had sucked, and they were all starving. Magic was hard.<p>

"Then don't be a fucking vegetarian." Axle snapped, rubbing his face. "Ugh I'm sorry, but my face still fucking hurts."

"Killing animals is wrong." Bruised mocked. "Feed your wasted food to the ants, release spiders you find in your house, respect the Circle of Life but don't disturb it."

"Go suck a cock." Leif growled, and Bruised pursed her lips in thought for a moment before getting up and heading towards the exit. "Wait, you're actually doing it? Where are you going?"

"Dumbledore's office, of course!"

Uh-oh.


	5. The Dementor Whistle

Bruised climbed the stairs leading to the Headmaster's office once again, stopping at the door when she heard voices.

"What does it mean, Minerva?"

"I...I don't know."

"Le gasp!"

Bruised knocked. There was a scrape of a chair moving and the swish of papers being shuffled before Dumbledore finally called "Enter!" In the gayest singsong voice he could muster. Bruised didn't hesitate, pushing the door open and walking inside the room. Dumbledore was seated at his desk, Professor McGonagall leaning on a wall behind him, a frown on her face.

"I'd like to talk to you in private." Bruised told the Headmaster bluntly, looking pointedly at McGonagall. The Head of Gryffindor huffed and rolled her eyes, pushing herself up and leaving the room, muttering on her way out. Once she had closed the door and the sound of her footsteps faded, Dumbledore folded his hands together and gave Bruised his full attention.

"What is troubling you, Miss Weasel?"

"I want to suck your cock."

Dumbledore looked as if he didn't fully comprehend what she just said. "What?" He blinked.

"I want to suck your cock." She repeated, folding her arms across her chest. "Can I?"

He blinked again. "No. Surely not." He took a piece of parchment and put it in his drawer, as if to make her go away. "That is most inappropriate and I'm appalled you asked that."

"Can I at least TOUCH your cock?"

"No!" Dumbledore gasped at this student's boldness. "You can't do anything with that part of my body!"

"And why not?"

Dumbledore struggled to find an answer. "Um, it would get me fired, you might get expelled, all sorts of reasons! And I happen to know for a fact Minerva has had a crush on me since her sixth year, she would be jealous!"

"No one would have to know." Bruised smirked, cornering her prey. Her prey was now crouching in a corner, arms above his face in fear. As she advanced on him, she saw Dumbledore look around frantically and kick something across the room.

"What was that?" Bruised asked, turning around to look at where the object would be resting.

"Nothing! It was nothing!" But Bruised was already headed towards it, picking up a rectangular box and reading the cover on it.

"Why do you have a DVD copy of Tom Hanks' _You've Got Mail_?" Realization crossed her face almost at once. "Oh my god. Oh my god. You're gay!" She dropped the DVD, looking astonished. "The Headmaster of Hogwarts is gay!"

"No! I'm holding it for a friend!" But even Dumbledore didn't find his voice convincing. "Fine." He hung his head, shaking it a few times for dramatic effect. He looked back up at her. "But you CAN'T tell ANYONE! No one else knows!"

Bruised laughed. "Tell anyone? I'll be blackmailing you for years with this, I will." When Dumbledore looked at her, horrified, she added: "Only kidding. I _probably_ won't tell anyone. But if you find out that someone wrote 'Dumbledore is a fag' on the bathroom wall, it wasn't me. Promise." She laughed again, looking around his office. She picked up a random metal trinket. "I want this."

Bruised walked out of the Headmaster's office, leaving a still petrified Dumbledore there to catch his breath. She was almost glad she hadn't sucked his cock; she had gotten something much better.

* * *

><p>Sassy made her way out of the Gryffindor common room and down toward the dungeons. It was 6:45 and, despite her seemingly uncaring attitude, she didn't want to be late and get into more trouble with the horrible Potions master.<p>

She assumed that he intended for her to find him for her detention, as Snape did not specify a room or area to go to for the punishment. The closer she got to his classroom, the colder the air around her became and she scowled, an expression she was using more and more, at the sudden chill she was getting. She walked silently, passing only a few students from Houses she did not know; her footsteps echoed against the walls and twice she thought she caught a glimpse of a ghost.

Whatever. She fucking hated ghosts.

Ah, Snape's classroom. She reluctantly knocked, deciding it would be best not to walk in immediately and catch him doing something she didn't want to see. A deadpanned "Enter" was the response she got and she did so, her scowl deepening when the greasy haired professor came into view. He did not look up from his notes when she walked in and placed her hands on her hips.

"You will complete the potion you so foolishly ruined earlier today. I expect a perfectly completed potion before the detention is over."

Sassy grumbled for a moment before walking over to a desk in the back of the room, carelessly grabbing a handful of ingredients and throwing them into the cauldron. Despite her anger and resentment, she wanted to leave, and did make a half assed attempt to brew the potion correctly. But, fifteen minutes in, she used half and half, not 2%, and this time her potion boiled over and caused green slimy shit to get all over the floor.

Snape snapped up from his desk, hovering over to where Sassy was still attempting to brew her potion, a glare evident on his face. "What is the meaning of this, you foolish girl! 10 points from Gryffindor!"

Sassy growled and threw her hands up in the air. "Let me ask you something, _Professor_. If you don't want us to screw up, why the hell do you add the wrong ingredients in the pile Gryffindor is supposed to choose from?"

"Enough! Another 10 points for talking back to a teacher."

"Oh fuck off. You are the most annoying person I have EVER met." Sassy tipped her cauldron over, causing all of its contents to spill on the floor.

Snape was shocked at this student's boldness, but kept his composure and narrowed his eyes. He flicked his wand, the potion she spilled disappearing instantly. "I will be informing the Headmaster of your blatant disrespect for your superior." He leaned in closer. "I do not expect him to be very pleased, do you? One day of class and already you're _screwing_ up."

Sassy matched his stance, raising her voice and balling her fists. "You do that and I'll tell him about how you treat your class like shit!"

"Enough, Miss Girl05! Use language like that one more time and I assure you that I will get you thrown out!"

"Oh yeah? Tell me another empty threat. Please, I'm begging you!"

Snape leaned in, about to hiss a scathing reply, but at that moment they both realized that they were standing _inches_ apart, their faces level and nearly touching. They both stumbled back awkwardly, Sassy leaning on a desk and Snape going rigid, not meeting her gaze.

After a few moments of complete silence, Snape spoke softly but firmly. "Leave."

Sassy didn't object.

* * *

><p>"Library, library. Where is the fucking library?"<p>

Axle scurried from corridor to corridor, peeking in all the open doors and scowling. His books were heavy and he didn't have _time_ to spend an hour searching for the god forsaken library. Maybe his friends had set him up. Maybe there wasn't even a library. He could almost remember Leif snickering as he told Axle to meet them at the library.

"Wait, didn't I already go down this hall? FUCK." Axle banged his fist on the wall, but winced almost instantly. His hands were still tender from the porcupine incident. He didn't really like to think about it. "You know what? Fuck this. Fuck Leif and fuck Bruised and fuck Leopard. Fuck them all." He grumbled some more, turning around and starting to head back towards the Gryffindor common room.

WHAM!

Axle collided with another person, making him fall flat on his ass and his books fly everywhere.

"Oh, sorry." Said a female voice. Axle groaned and rubbed his head, wincing in pain once again. His vision was blurry but when it cleared he saw it.

He saw an angel.

Nah. He saw a creepy ass Ravenclaw looking like she was going to dissect him.

The girl was blonde and had a round pretty face. Her eyes didn't hold concern, but interest. "Hello. I'm Luna Lovegood."

Axle gaped at her for a moment in awe, still on the floor. She continued to look down at him, her hand extended to help him up. He shook his head, clearing it, accepting her hand and jumping up with an overly energetic force. "I'm okay. Honest. My name is Axle. Axle_02."

"What an odd name." Luna squatted down to help him pick up some of his scattered books, her gaze not leaving him for a moment. "Dad says Umgubular Slashkilters cause most of the problems in today's society. Perhaps it was them that caused us to bump into each other."

"Er, yeah." Axle replied, shoveling books into his arms randomly and trying to act cool at the same time. "Yeah that's probably it."

"Did you know Minister Fudge owns one himself? I couldn't believe it at first, but Daddy published an article on it and it completely changed my thoughts on the subject. Do you want to read it?"

"Er-" Axle didn't have time to respond. Luna was already digging in her bag and a few moments later she pulled out an old crinkled newspaper, _The Quibbler_ printed on the front page on the top. She flipped through it for a bit, finally stopping and shoving the newspaper at Axle with undisguised excitement.

Axle smoothed out the paper and made an attempt to read it, but as he was getting to the part about the Minister owning one he heard a familiar voice calling for him down the hall. "YO AXLE! OVER HERE! C'MON!"

"Ugh." Axle folded the newspaper, glancing down the hall where Leopard was standing, and then back at Luna. "I have to go and study. But maybe you uh, want to like...talk again sometime?"

"Great! You can help me look for Moon Frogs in the dungeons! I've been needing a partner because I can't do it by myself. Oh this is perfect!"

"Well that's not exactly what I-" But Luna was already skipping down the hall, mumbling about forest animals and werewolves in her basement.

_She is so hot._

"So who was that girl?" Leopard asked, trying to make conversation. Axle seemed a bit distracted.

"Oh, no one important." _She is so hot._

They were walking down the one corridor Axle had not checked on his search for the library. He almost felt stupid for not going down the hall, but it looked like it was filled with just classrooms and storage closets. He sighed, looking down.

_ZOMFG I HAVE A BONER. GO AWAY, BONER!_

It didn't go away.

_GO AWAYYYYYY._

Still there.

_UGH._

* * *

><p>Sassy was the last person to enter the library for the Foreign Five's study time. She didn't look pleased, and refused to talk about her detention with Snape. They didn't push it, not wanting to have their heads bitten off.<p>

Leif was messing with some little gizmo of his, concentrating hard on that but not on his work. Leopard, bored, stole it when he wasn't looking and hid it in the library while he was busy whining. "Give it baaaaack! I need it!"

"What _is it_ Leif?" Bruised questioned. "Is it another part of your robot girlfriend? I told you that only the _bottom half_ needed to be built successfully. Tsk tsk."

Leif, angry at all the teasing, threw _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ at Bruised's head but easily missed with his horrible aim. They all pointed and laughed at Leif for a moment, and he sulked some more.

"It's not a part of my robot girlfriend. WHICH, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, I GAVE UP ON LIKE, THREE WEEKS AGO." He stopped. "It's...something else."

"What is it?"

Before Leif could answer, Leopard fished it out of the potted plant she hid it in. "Guys..." She ran her index finger across one of the sides. "It says _Dementor Whistle 2000_."

"Gay."

"It is not!" Leif snatched it out of Leopard's hands, glaring at Sassy. "Ever since I read that piece on dementors I've been interested in how exactly they function. What makes them tick, you know? So I'm going to ask one."

"Leif...you do realize that those things will suck your soul out, right?" Axle asked, serious. "You will DIE."

Bruised furiously erased a naughty poem she wrote on the side of her parchment. "Well, I was against it before, but now I'm all for it. Do it, Leif. You probably won't die." Leif just rolled his eyes and set the trinket back on the table. Bruised was still erasing, and the crooked table was moving as she did. The whistle ended up on the floor, but Leif, weak as a pencil, didn't bother to pick it up. He kicked it off to the side.

"This homework sucks."

They worked in complete silence, few students coming in and out. Just as they were beginning to finish up, the sky dark and stars shining brightly, the librarian walked over and bitched at them for staying too long. She told them to get their asses out and take their shit with them, scowling disapprovingly at Leif's dementor whistle.

"C'mon let's go!" Leopard took off her tie, looping it over a beam and attempting to hang herself with it.

"I'm BUSY!" Leif screeched, trying to grab all his books. Axle, amused, grabbed one at random and threw it out of the door and into the hall. "God, Axle. Fuck you." Leif yelled as he huffed out of the library to retrieve his book.

"What is this?"

A soft, high pitched voice caused them all to turn around. Professor Umbridge was standing in the doorway where Leif had just gone through, looking strangely pleased. "Well, well. Our little group of foreigners has arranged a private meeting."

They weren't sure what to say, so they said nothing, just stared at her. She went on.

"Trying to overthrow the Ministry, are you? Force Fudge out of office? I'll have you know that I have already informed the Minister of your presence and he will no doubt call you in to be questioned at the Ministry."

"Um." Leopard raised her hand awkwardly. "Why are we being questioned? What did we do?"

Umbridge's grin widened. "Dear, dear. Playing dumb will not work on Ministry officials. We at the Ministry of Magic think..."

She started to drone on and on, and nobody was really paying attention.

"Hey guys the book isn't harmed-"

Leif was busy looking at the book Axle threw and ran head on into Umbridge, who let out a squeal of surprise and stumbled forward, losing her balance and falling face first onto the floor. Unfortunately for Umbridge, she happened to fall face first on to a sharp side of the _Dementor Whistle 2000_; it pierced her forehead and dug deep into her skull, her voice gurgling as she let out one final gasp of fear and pain.

And Umbridge lay flat on the floor, blood pooling out, dead.


	6. Riddikulusly Bad

"Oh my god she's dead! She's fucking dead!"

"Calm down, Leif. You could still get in her pants."

"Shut the fuck up Bruised! This isn't the time for jokes! She's fucking dead! I killed her!"

All of them were frozen to the spot, gaping at where Umbridge was currently lying in a pool of her own blood. She wasn't moving, and there was no doubt that she was dead. Leif was shaking with fear and repulsion at what he had just done, the book dropping from his hand and creating a thud as it hit the floor.

"W-What do we do?" Axle stuttered, raising his hand to cover his mouth from shock. None of them answered, remaining completely still, their minds blank.

A sudden noise a few bookshelves down snapped them all back into reality. The librarian would be back any minute, and if she walked over and saw Umbridge dead, they would be kicked out...or worse. "We have to get rid of her." Sassy narrowed her eyes in determination, looking around. "No one can know what has happened."

"You want to cover it up?" Leopard slipped off her wizard hat and held it with her hands thoughtfully, for once behaving in a less eccentric style. They all looked at each other, each of them making a decision in their head. They could either...

1. Blame it all on Leif and never have to worry about it again.

2. Cover it up and pretend they're like the cool criminals from CSI

After a few more moments of suspenseful silence, they all looked up like badasses. "No one can know."

Leopard bent down to examine Umbridge while the rest of them buzzed around. "Leif, grab her head, I'll get her feet." Bruised called out to the programmer as he looked at the body, paling more and more each second. At her words he seemed to recover.

"The head? Why do I have to touch all the blood?" He whined, walking over to Umbridge, staring at the blood soaked carpet with distaste.

"Because YOU caused this." Bruised kicked him and he reluctantly bent down and grabbed her by the shoulders and neck, grimacing at the feeling of her blood soaking his hands.

They all froze when they heard the sound of a person walking their way. Realizing they were out of time, Sassy looked in the hall to make sure it was clear and they carried Umbridge's body out into the halls, going as fast as they could and praying no one would see them. They were halfway down the first corridor when Leif remembered something. "T-The portraits." He gasped, and they all slowly turned to see the portraits staring at them with horrified eyes.

Leopard, without hesitating, pulled out here wand and roared "_Remembro Egono!_" She waved her wand in an elegant sweep as she worded this incantation.

"That's not a spell." Axle gasped, clutching his ribs from all the running they had to do.

Leopard shrugged and pocketed her wand. They all were stopped, and Leif, not wanting to be caught, pulled out his ultra cool lighter he used to smoke weed and lit all the portraits on fire. This created a new problem, though, because their screams echoed down the halls and people would immediately be alerted of a problem.

They all ran, Leif dropping his side of Umbridge and sprinting faster than anyone else. Bruised was forced to drag her limp body along, leaving a blood trail on the floor. Sassy snatched the lighter out of Leif's feminine hands, burning every portrait that they passed by. The screams became louder, and as they burst through the main doors and into the night they could hear a pitiful wail from inside.

They didn't slow down, running across the main lawn and off to the side, their only option was to hide in the creepy forest that was on the edge on Hogwarts. Axle collapsed the moment they stopped and onto a blunt root, knocking him out for two minutes.

"What should we do?" Leif asked, his voice full of fear. Every three seconds he glanced towards the castle, seeing lights slowly start to flicker on from all the different rooms.

Umbridge now had cuts and scrapes all over her body from being dragged through the grass, and her arm was bent in an unnatural position. Her usually hideous hair was now dirty and clumped. Sassy looked thoughtful for a moment, deciding to take charge because she had experience with covering up crimes.

"We could leave her body out and blame it on the fat guy that lives in the hut over there." Axle suggested, picking himself up from his recent unconsciousness.

"No." Sassy narrowed her eyes. "There is blood all over the library floor and the corridors, not to mention the flaming portraits. I doubt they'd believe the fat guy would ever do something like this. He seemed mildly retarded." She looked thoughtful once again, taking in their surroundings and poking a couple of bushes. She eventually returned over to where the other four were standing. "We have to throw the corpse in a river. One that will lead away from this school. She's a popular head in the government of this world, so undoubtedly her disappearance will be serious. She can never be found."

They all just nodded, gulping. It was now completely dark and a slight breeze was present, ruffling them up and making them paranoid. They all searched, and when they finally managed to find a river, they could hear hisses and bumps coming from every direction.

Leopard helped Bruised drag Umbridge's body to the water, sitting it down on the edge and looking at the nearly black water bubble and beat against the edge, splashing water over Umbridge's corpse. Without a word they all pushed her body into the water; it rolled over the edge and landed with a giant splash.

"She was a bitch." Bruised said as they watched her body float away and out of sight. "A bitch who deserved it."

"A total bitch." Leopard nodded her agreement, clasping her hands in front of her like they were at a funeral. "And no one will miss her."

After they all washed the blood off their hands and clothes in the river, they looked back up. Umbridge's body could not be seen and would never be found.

* * *

><p>"I have something important to discuss with everyone today."<p>

It was three days after Umbridge had died, and the Foreign Five had all kept their mouths shut and tried to act normal. Leif had been freaking out ever since they sneaked back in the castle and saw the faculty examining the blood on the floor and the portraits burned to a black crisp. Axle had nearly pissed his pants when he had heard of the sick rumors spreading around the school about Umbridge's disappearance. Different teachers had been filling in her class, all of them looking bored and annoyed.

But now they were sitting in the Great Hall, eating breakfast, and Dumbledore had just risen and looked at the four tables with a grave expression on his face. "As you all must know, many of our portraits have been burned in a disgusting act of disrespect. Those portraits represented the lives on many great historical figures, and the culprit will be severely punished for his or her actions."

When no one spoke, he continued. "But that is not the main point of this speech today. It seems Professor Umbridge has gone missing, and the Ministry has claimed they do not know where she is. Truthful or not, they have made it very clear that we should not attempt to explain or question her disappearance. That being said, Hogwarts needs a new Defense Against The Dark Arts professor and someone has so graciously accepted the offer."

Dumbledore smiled, looking around excitedly. He raised his hands. "HOGWARTS, PREPAIR TO BE TAUGHT BY...PROFESSOR LUPIN!"

Professor Lupin jumped out from behind a wall, beaming.

No one said anything.

Lupin frowned, searching the crowd for anybody that was excited. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Harry coughed. "Guys, if he's teaching, Umbridge won't be teaching again."

Suddenly the Great Hall burst into cheers, and Lupin beamed again, strutting around and doing a little dance. Bruised turned to the rest of the Five. "Who exactly is Professor Lupin?"

Hermione answered for her. "Professor Lupin was the DADA teacher in our third year. He's a werewolf and he's really cool."

"Yeah, cool." Bruised deadpanned, watching the teacher dance all over the Hall.

"Hermon, pass the Pop-Tarts." Leopard tapped Hermione on the arm, and the girl instantly scowled.

"It's HERMIONE. Her-my-on-ee."

"Her...Her...Hermon." Leopard attempted to say it.

"You think this is funny, don't you?" Hermione's scowl deepened.

"I do!" Axle piped up.

Leopard didn't respond, just quietly munched on a Pop-Tart.

* * *

><p>"Okay class." Lupin looked around at the students, beaming. "Today I have a special treat for you." He walked over to a large wardrobe, which was rattling violently. "Today we are going to study boggarts!"<p>

They were in their first Defense Against The Dark Arts class with Lupin. Lupin was a thirty something man with rags for clothes and looked like he smelled bad. But Leif, Sassy, Leopard, Axle, and Bruised were relieved by his presence because that meant Umbridge's disappearance would start to fade.

"Um, Professor Lupin." Harry raised his hand. "We er, studied boggarts like two years ago. With you."

Lupin seemed unfazed. "I'm aware, Harry. But we have _five_ new faces this year!"

"Are you talking about us?" Leopard asked and Lupin nodded.

"A boggart is a creature that turns into what the person facing it fears the most. No one knows what a boggart looks like when it's alone, because when someone is around it, it always looks like that person's worst fear. The way you defeat a boggart is by pointing your wand at it and confidentially saying _Riddikulus_. The boggart then becomes silly and isn't scary anymore."

"Oh ok." They all chanted.

The boggart was becoming more active, and they all looked kind of nervous. What would the boggart reveal to the room full of people? Lupin seemed excited, though, and ushered the five forward. "When I call out your name, face the boggart and use the spell. Got it? Okay, Mr. _02, you up first."

Axle stumbled nervously over to where he was facing the wardrobe, and a half second later Lupin undid the latch and the doors creaked open.

Almost instantly a buff black man in a wifebeater walked out, a glint in his eye as he looked at Axle. The black guy smirked, unzipping his pants and walking towards the 15 year old drummer with undisguised intentions.

Axle choked, frozen to the spot. Lupin called out "Remember the spell!" and Axle pointed his wand at the boggart and made a feeble attempt to banish it.

"Riddikulus...Riddikulus..." Nothing was happening, and any second now Axle was going to piss his pants from fear.

Lupin, realizing the boy would not be able to do the spell, gave Leopard a shove and she was pushed in front of the boggart. It instantly morphed into some sort of creature, and as Leopard watched her face fell in horror and she gasped at it.

Standing in front of her was an oversized, bloody Sandbag Zeka, rips littered across its body. It let out a wail of pain, deteriorating at a rapid rate. Broken Punk Rocks surrounded the floor around it, all of them writhing in pain. Leopard screamed in horror and her heart twisted at the sight; she fell to the floor and didn't even attempt to do the spell, just curled up into a ball and screwed her eyes shut.

Lupin, a little bothered that the newcomers couldn't do the spell, shoved Leif in front of the boggart next. In a flash the boggart turned into a creepy looking man with a neck beard, who was screaming at the top of his lungs.

"You're DISGUSTING Leif! I would NEVER do that with you!" The man's face was red and his skinny body was shaking in fury. "You're a piece of worthless crap! You idiot!"

Leif clutched his face with his hands, clawing at it. "REJECTION!" He wailed, falling to his knees and staring at the man tearfully.

"I can't BELIEVE you even tried to come on to me!" The man had balled his fists. "SCREW YOU! I'm never visiting eCritters again you fucking bastard. I can never look at you the same way!"

Leif was sobbing, his body convulsing. Before Lupin could push her in front of it, Sassy stepped in front of the boggart to save Leif the embarrassment. It shook, sending vibrations across the room that caused Harry's glasses to fall off. As it stilled, it formed into a person already in the room.

Leif.

Boggart Leif had a sour expression on his face, and looked at Sassy with undisguised hatred. "You're fired. I'm going to freeze you."

Realization crossed Sassy's face, and she bit her lip with nervousness, hoping Boggart Leif wouldn't spill. It did.

"I FOUND OUT!" Boggart Leif screamed, slamming a fist against the wall. "I KNOW you cheated on trivia, Sassygirl. I KNOW you asked for the answer. Do you think I'd never find out? Did you?" He was approaching her, holding out his hand. "You know the rules. Automatic freeze."

A gust of ice shot from his palm, but it never hit her. "RIDDIKULUS!" Lupin shouted, and the boggart instantly turned into a severely stoned Leif, who was blubbering happily and had a lopsided smile on his face.

After a few seconds of silence, Bruised figured it was her turn. She walked up with her wand out, and Leif turned into a woman in her early twenties.

"I do not like you Bruised." A horrid Dutch accent rang across the room, and some students grabbed their ears in pain. "I want to fuck Owly, not you. It was always Owly, never you."

Bruised rolled her eyes and flicked her wand, shouting "Riddikulus!" The woman stumbled back into the wall, looking at Bruised in horror.

"My eem...it's gone." She gasped, emptying her pockets. Bruised just smirked, and a moment later Lupin came over and forced the boggart back into the wardrobe.

"Good job, class! That turned out er, okay."

The foreigners just shrugged and walked out of the classroom when the bell rung, none of them wanting to discuss their boggart.

"Boggarts are stupid."


	7. Halloween

"Can you believe it?" Leif asked, stumbling over a book he dropped. "It's tonight...Halloween." He said, dropping his voice as he muttered the last part.

"And I have two goldfish." Bruised said, absentmindedly tapping her wand against her Astrology book. When everybody just stared, she continued blankly. "I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about shit no one cares about."

Leif scowled, causing others to laugh at his hurt feelings, but they didn't have time to dwell on the situation.

"What is going on?"

Bruised, Axle, Leopard, and Leif all groaned at the nasally voice of their Potions professor. Sassy tensed; she had not spoken to him since their detention, choosing to remain silent in class. "Ugh." Axle scrunched up his nose. "You smell like cheap deodorant."

"Five points from Gryffindor." Snape snarled, his sweeping gaze examining them all one by one. No one but Sassy noticed that his gaze lingered on her half a second more than the others. His eyes narrowed as he looked at them all. "What trouble are you five plotting?"

"Nothing, sir." Leopard bowed, not realizing how he could easily perceive it as mocking.

"Five points from Gryffindor." Snape, realizing that they probably weren't doing anything wrong, decided to make things up. "Mr. K-Brooks, you are standing too still. Five points from Gryffindor."

Leif's mouth dropped open, but what he was about to say was quickly killed by Sassy's shriek of outrage. "You're such a shitty teacher! I would know, I'm homeschooled, I'm used to dealing with incompetence!"

Before Snape could give a scathing reply, Leopard broke into a sprint and bumped into him, causing him to stumble. "Neville! Neville!" Leopard called, waving her hands in the air madly. "I need help on that vampire report!" The round-faced boy in question gave her a fearful glance and started to run away from her, knocking some first years down in his attempt to get away.

Snape pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering "five points from Gryffindor." He glared at the now four people standing before him before turning on his heel and stalking away, ignoring the group of Slytherins beating up a Hufflepuff.

Bruised looked at him lazily, and muttered to Leif quiet enough where Sassy wouldn't hear. "Ten eem that he and Sassy will screw before the year is over."

Leif sniffed, looking at the retreating form of Professor Snape and then at Sassy. "I'll take that bet."

* * *

><p>The Five's last class of the day was Divination.<p>

The only person who actually liked Divination was Axle, but everyone knew his love for the subject was half-assed and he just wanted to impress girls.

The fifth year Gryffindors settled in the cramped, perfume filled classroom, coughing and wiping their watery eyes. Professor Trelawney emerged from the shadows, her frail body covered by a cloak and her bug-glasses staring intently at the Five. She always stared at them, and Sassy was an inch away from smashing a crystal ball in her face.

"Today we will be studying tea leaves." Trelawney murmured in a whispery voice, moving about the room with a trying-too-hard expression.

"Um." Harry raised his hand. "We already did this, remember? You told me the Grim was after me or something."

Trelawney gave him a cold stare and continued to sweep about the room. "As you can see, there is a filled teacup placed in front of each of you. Drink it and study the remains on the bottom cup and tell me what you see." Axle nodded vigorously at her words, fumbling with his tea and trying to drink the scathing hot liquid in one gulp. The others sighed and reluctantly sipped at their tea.

"I see a...a..." Bruised squinted in her teacup, holding it nearly upside down. "A phoenix." She decided, nodding. "I see a phoenix."

"Dumbledore owns a phoenix." Harry told her absentmindedly, running his cup through his hands, a bored expression on his face. Bruised just smirked.

"I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to see." Leif complained, twirling his cup to alter the bits of tea. "It's just a clump of fucking tea. God."

Sassy had broken her cup by now, and Axle was talking loudly about his tea so Lavender and Parvati would hear him. "I think mine is a heart, a heart for _love_. Hmm." He looked pointedly in their direction. "I wonder who the lucky gal will be..."

Trelawney was watching them all sharply, her face scrunched up. As her gaze flickered on Leopard she let out a screech of indignation, snatching Leopard's teacup from her hands. "You're not supposed to lick the cup clean! That ruins the very point of the assignment!"

Leopard just shrugged, scribbling something in her Divination journal. Trelawney glared at her for a moment before walking to the front of the classroom and clearing her throat. "Tonight, as you all know, will be the annual Halloween feast. I predict uh..." She squinted her eyes for a moment. "38587 deaths. Yes. 38587 deaths."

Bruised rolled her eyes.

* * *

><p>The whole school shuffled into the Great Hall, whispering excitedly. One by one the Five sat down at the Gryffindor table, poking their empty plates with their old and rusty silverware. The teachers were already seated, and Bruised was busy staring at Dumbledore, a small smirk on her face. As the chaos settled and students looked around, Dumbledore slowly rose to his full height, smiling happily at the students.<p>

"Today is Halloween! Hurrah!" He raised his arms out, as if to give an air hug, and a few of the students begrudgingly copied him, returning his air hug. He dropped his arms soon after, shaking his head happily. "Halloween…an exciting holiday! Full of ghouls and spiders and creepy things and shadows and knives and Snapes and puppets and…"

Flitwick coughed, and Dumbledore reluctantly sat down, muttering "Eat now." Piles of food appeared on the students' plates, and everyone started to stuff their face happily, spilling food all over their clothes.

"Ugh, this shit is disgusting." Sassy complained, reaching for a plain piece of bread and then coughing in disgust at the blandness of it.

"Oh shut up." Axle speared a potato with his fork and shoved it in his mouth. "Why are you always so negative? Enjoy the free food, for the love of god."

"Axle!" Leif scolded, picking glumly at a piece of lettuce. "I didn't know you had it in you."

Axle shrugged, tapping Leopard on the shoulder to pass the salt. It was Leopard's turn to shrug, pointing at the empty spot where the salt just was. Axle looked around, his gaze resting on Ron. "OY! GINGER! PASS THE DAMN SALT!"

Ron glared at him, picking up the salt, walking over, and pouring all of it in Axle's exposed eyes.

"OH NOES, I AM BLIND!" Axle screamed in pain, falling off the bench as the salt seeped in his eyes and porcupine wounds.

"Get over it." Bruised poured more salt in Axle's eyes, grinning when he rolled over, crying.

"Ugh guys." Leif complained, picking up Axle by his shirt collar. "Stop it. His screams are annoying." Leif grabbed his goblet of Pumpkin Juice and attempted to wash Axle's eyes out with it. Ten minutes later Axle could finally see again, sniffling and looking around sadly.

They all sat down, trying to enjoy their meal, their fellow Gryffindors talking loudly around them and food spilling out of their mouths and onto the table.

It all remained peaceful for a while; it was quiet and friendly up until Filch busted through the Great Hall doors, Mrs. Norris yowling in his arms. He ran down the center aisle, panting and wheezing from age.

"TROLLLLLLLL, IN THE DUNGEON!"

Everyone visibly tensed, going silent. Harry and his friends all groaned, slamming their heads on the table. Dumbledore stood up, all serious like, his voice booming across the Hall. "All students report to their common rooms and stay there until further notice. Your House prefects will lead you there."

The Five stood up with the rest of the students, looking around. Finally, Leopard voiced what they were all thinking. "Er, what is a prefect?"

Leif stroked his imaginary beard. "I assume it's a misspelling of 'perfect.' Hmm…." He sighed. "Who do we know is perfect?"

Sassy huffed angrily. "No one is perfect, you fucking moron." She too looked around though, her gaze resting on Hermione. "But some do come close. What about that bushy haired, buck toothed nerd over there?"

They all scrambled to where Hermione was leading some first and second years out of the Hall. "Move along children, move along." Ron stood beside her, looking almost pissed, as he reluctantly pushed the younger students out of the Hall.

Leopard squinted for a moment, thinking as they were led out into the corridor leading to their dorm. "Guys, I have an idea."

They all looked expectantly at her, and soon they were huddled together, whispering urgently.

* * *

><p>"This is a shitty idea." Bruised grumbled as they pushed their way through the crowd and down into the dungeons. "How will defeating the troll score us popularity points?"<p>

Leopard didn't respond, instead pulling her wand out and muttering "Lumos" as they went down the stone stairs that led into the dungeons, where they had Potions. They walked silently, making an effort not to slip on the grime that covered the stairs, trying not to cry when they saw a bat swoop down and nearly hit them in the face.

"Where do you think it'll be?" Leif asked, peering around a corner to make sure it was safe. They were so deep into the dungeons they could no longer hear the rumble of students above them. Bruised had poked her head in Snape's classroom, making sure the troll wasn't in there.

"No idea." Leopard whispered, the cold biting at all of them. Axle was trying to hold Sassy's hand, but Sassy just scowled and pulled her hand away.

A door stood at the end of the hall they were walking in, and everybody pushed Sassy in the front of the line so she could open it. This was their last hope. If it was not in here they would have to turn back.

"Ugh. Pussies." Sassy walked confidently up to the door, turning the knob and allowing the door to creak open so she could poke her head in. When she turned to look at them, there was a confused look on her face, but she didn't appear to be scared. "Uh, I guess this is it…"

They all walked curiously up to the door, peering in, and the sight itself made Axle laugh out loud.

The room was bare, the floor and walls covered with dirt. The only light came from a shabby bulb hanging from a wire attached to the ceiling.

But in the center of the room was a boy; he sitting cross-legged on the floor with his eyes closed and his hands on his knees. He wore only rags, and his ginger hair was tangled and smudged with dirt. He couldn't be older than 14, and they all looked at him with curiosity and amusement.

Axle once again chuckled, and they all walked up, standing a few feet away from him. Leif was the first one to speak. "Greetings. I am Leif K-Brooks, creator of Omegle and the greatest programmer in existence."

The boy's eyes flew open almost at once, and he turned his head to smile warmly at them. "Hello. My name is MI." As he said this he pulled out a dirty, cracked red M&M from his pocket, pointing at it and then at his eye. "M. I."

Axle tried to stifle his laugher. "Nice to meet you, MI."

Bruised was the only one who didn't look so amused anymore, folding her arms across her chest and frowning.

"I'd love to make some friends." MI said airily, staring at a large smudge of dirt on one of the walls. "I don't have many, you see." He turned his gaze on Sassy, and she couldn't deny how creepy he looked. His eyes were empty. "Friends?"

MI picked himself up off of the floor, brushing some of the dirt off. "Friends…"

"Uh, no." Leif snorted, looking at his dirty appearance with distaste. "Not friends."

MI's smile disappeared, and he turned to look at Leif, folding his hands in front of him. "Your mother is a dirty whore."

Leif gaped at him, his hand spread across his chest in indignation. "She is not!"

"I paid her two eem earlier today, and you would not believe all the nasty things she did to me for that. It was amazingly disgusting."

"Well I don't think-" Sassy tried to butt in.

"Shut the fuck up, you asexual piece of shit. No one can stand you!"

Axle gasped, and MI turned to him. "Why don't you run along and get abused, okay? Better yet, go get your wrist slapped. Though, I guess to you those are the same things."

"Nuh-uh! Shut the fuck up!" Axle attempted to hit MI, but the Troll pushed him back with an invisible force and Axle's back hit the wall. Hard.

"Aborted fetuses had it coming! Homosexuals should be treated as beggars and have no rights!"

By now the dirt that had collected on the floor was spinning around the room, making a small tornado that was flinging rocks at the Five. "Stop it!" Leopard screeched, pulling out her wand and shooting minor hexes at MI. The others did the same, but the Troll only laughed, increasing his insults and jeers.

"LEOPARD IS A COLD HEARTED BITCH!"

"BRUISED WILL GO NO WHERE IN LIFE!"

"AXLE IS A SHEEEEEEP!"

As he said the last bit he created a forced that caused all of them to slam against the wall, their wands flying over to MI like a magnet.

"YOUR MOMS ARE EVERYWHERE, AND I ASK, WHICH ONE IS THE CHEAPEST? WHICH ONE IS THE CHEAPEST?"

Beams of lights were shooting from MI's chest, and the static and force in the room were almost overpowering. They all were still screeching in rage, trying to claw their way over to MI.

Axle was weeping, trying to get to the door, and MI directed all his rage onto him. "THE SHEEP RUNS AWAY, DOES HE? WHY LITTLE SHEEPY BOY, DON'T YOU WANT DESSERT?"

On cue, a pile of hay fell on Axle, covering him completely and nearly crushing him. MI laughed hysterically, and soon they all were begging to leave. "There is no hope!"

ALL OF A SUDDEN

Dumbledore barged in, wand out, eyes darting frantically around the room to assess the damage. "Yay! Dumbledore!" They all hurrahed, crawling over to Dumbledore's feet.

"HI ALBUS!" MI waved frantically from where he was standing, a lopsided smile on his face. "Did you just get back from the mirror, Albus? Did you have fun, staring at your dead sister? DID YOU?"

MI attempted to hurl a ball of fire at Dumbledore, but it wouldn't form and MI looked at his hands, confused. The Five gaped at MI and then at the Headmaster, mouthing "How did you do that?"

"You must ignore the Troll, children." Dumbledore told them, squatting down so he could see them better. "Trolls of this nature feed on reactions. You must stand completely still and not say _anything_, or the Troll will continue to live on your reactions. Got it?" They nodded and all sat down, staying quiet, as MI narrowed his eyes and looked at each of them.

He strode up to Sassy, looking down at her, and his lips turned into a smile. "Hullo there, Sassy. How are you doing?"

Sassy said nothing.

"I'm doing fine. I heard somewhere that you were pretty smart. But you do kind of bad in Potions. Maybe something…someone…is _distracting_ you."

Again, nothing.

MI twirled some of his dirty hair with his finger. "I don't know about you, but I find Potions to be swell. Though I must say, Professor Snape is rather mean, isn't he?"

Sassy flinched.

MI looked bored. "Touch a nerve, did I?"

He made a few more jeers in her direction, but after realizing it would be futile, he moved over to where Leif sat.

"My my, Leif K-Brooks. Good at programming, no? Smoke a joint or two in you life?" MI picked at some dirt on his arm, seemingly uninterested.

"I heard your girlfriend was a pothead. Wanna know where I heard that, Leif? Wanna know?"

Leif was struggling not to respond.

"Your mother told me."

"SHE DID NOT YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT FUCK YOU!" Leif roared, jumping up and trying to claw at MI's face.

Almost at once a thousand beams of light shot out of MI's body.

"LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!"

The tornado of dirt picked back up and they were all punished for Leif's mistake. Dumbledore grabbed them by their shirts and threw them out of the room, shutting the door and casting a spell to lock it.

"You dumb bitch!" Sassy screeched, flailing her arms around madly, trying hit Leif. "You nearly got us killed!"

"No." Dumbledore said calmly, silencing them all. "You nearly got yourselves killed." They all looked at him, confused, and he elaborated. "Going after the Troll was very, very foolish, and you all would have died if I had not shown up. Whoever thought of it needs to set their priorities."

Leopard grinned sheepishly.

"For your blunt stupidity and thoughtless actions, putting you all at risk I'm afraid I must take-" He paused. "–two points from Gryffindor."

"NOOOOOO!"

Dumbledore shook his head sadly, closing his eyes. "This is how it must be."

After a few more beats of silence, he raised his head and looked at them brightly. "Now, the Troll should be dying down right now, but we must wait until he is completely gone to leave. He can hear everything we say, so do not say anything to make it stronger." They all nodded, waiting.

The silence was almost unbearable, and they had nothing to entertain themselves except watching Bruised try to look up Dumbledore's lavender robes, which soon got boring because Dumbledore must have enchanted his robes not to raise.

As the minutes passed, Dumbledore finally signaled for them to get up, and they did, dusting themselves off, sweating with relief. "Man, I'm starved." Axle sighed, his stomach growling as if to prove what he said.

Leopard was looking curiously at the door that led to the room. "I wonder if he's still there." She questioned as Dumbledore shooed them away.

Leif scowled. "Yeah. I don't really care, though. I hated that Troll so fucking much."

One…

Two…

Three…

"LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!"


	8. Quidditch Bitch

Leif winced when the bottoms of his bare feet touched the cold hardwood floor, but continued to stand up silently from his four-poster. He looked anxiously at the four other people sleeping quietly in the room, looking for a sign that one had woken.

It never came.

Leif tiptoed carefully to the dirty, old window that the moonlight was filtering from. Bruised had added curtains she had knitted to it, making it less ugly, but Leif still had the urge to remove it from the glue that held it in place and smash it against the wall. He did not, as much as we wanted to. Instead, he wrapped his small fingers around the bottom and forced it open, a disgusting, garbage-smelling breeze immediately coming in.

Axle snored and rolled over, causing Leif to freeze. But no other movement or sound came from the 15 year old, so Leif continued to push the window as far up as it would go. He slowly pulled a rusty, silver gadget from his pajamas pocket, running it in his hand. He smiled slightly, but soon he frowned, an annoyed look spreading across his face.

"_The Dementor Whistle 2001_." He said thoughtfully, putting it to his lips and then taking it back down. "Not as good as the first one, but oh well, this will suffice." He grimaced for a moment.

Finally, as if he remembered what he was doing, Leif put the whistle once again to his lips and it gave a long, eerie blow, almost like a cry. He blew a few more times, gazing into the night for any sign of a dementor.

There was none.

* * *

><p><em>Hello, fellow Gryffindors! How are you doing today? Great? Awesome! I've got some great news to match your great day.<em>

_Fortunately, Quidditch season is starting in only three days. Unfortunately, one of our irrelevant chasers died in a boating accident over the summer. And to answer your question, I do not know what a boat is. Anyway, we now have one (1) opening for Chaser in our Gryffindor Quidditch team! Tryouts are this evening at 7:00 sharp._

_I, on behalf of the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team, wish you good luck in your tryout for Chaser. I'm sure you'll be quite awesome._

_Angelina Johnson, Chaser, Gryffindor Quidditch Captain_

"This is gay." Axle ripped his flier in half.

"What is Kiddetch?" Leopard asked, pronouncing it wrong. She held her flier gently in her hands, looking at it with round eyes. Everyone just shrugged, copying Axle by ripping it up, earning a few glares from their fellow Gryffindors.

Leif was the only one still reading the flier…for the third time. "I'm going to try out. Tonight." He said confidentially, his glasses falling off of his nose.

"I lol'd."

"I'm serious!" Leif huffed, putting his glasses back on and having them fall off again. He gave a little groan of annoyance as he bent down to retrieve them.

"I know, that's why I lol'd."

Leif turned his back on Bruised, who was currently laughing so hard she was falling over, the pieces of her flier fluttering to the floor. Even Sassy seemed in a good mood, which was odd. Leif scowled, folding his flier and stuffing it into his pocket. "You guys don't understand the opportunities that will come with being on the Quidditch team. I'll get all the witches, lemme tell you. I'll be a fellow Quidditch Bitch."

Leopard got on her knees and calmly laid down on the floor and started to roll around, chanting "LOL QUIDDITCH BITCH" as she did so. Leif ignored her, gazing around the room for Angelina Johnson. He finally found her sitting next to a few other seventh years around the fire, and he called out to her, practically tripping as he stumbled to her.

"I WANNA BE A CHASER!"

* * *

><p>"I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE MAKE, THE DUCK IS WORSE WHEN IT'S EBAY, I ALWAYS LIE WHEN IT'S THE KEY BUT TELL THE TRUTH WHEN I SNEEZE!"<p>

Leopard continued to sing at the top of her lungs, causing everyone still in the common room to press their hands to their ears and glare at her with annoyance. Axle quickly hopped to where Leopard was standing, patting her on the back and looking around nervously. "Nice try, Leopard. It was beautiful karaoke."

"I know." Leopard nodded, her hat falling off her head. "It's beautiful lyrics, and I think that's the main reason the song is so deep. 'Your Glove is My Rug' is an amazing song about emotional understanding, and the lyrics show that." She nodded again.

"You got the words wrong, idiot." Sassy said, not looking up from her Transfiguration homework as she scribbled down bullshit answers.

"You would know, wouldn't you?" Bruised shot at her, grinning as Sassy started to glare at the piece of paper she was writing on. Bruised turned to look at Leopard, mock support written across her face. "Don't worry, Leo, you can sing 'My First List' next. I'm sure it'll be just as good."

Sassy just rolled her eyes, flipping the piece of parchment over and writing on the back. "Does anyone know when Leif is supposed to be back? It's been two hours. What the hell is keeping him?"

They all had all written "Quidditch Bitch" on his books in hot pink, drawing lipstick stains and making little pink swirls across all of his homework. He was sure to get into so much trouble for it.

"I don't know, but when he finally gets here I'm kicking his ass." Axle said angrily. "You know what he did yesterday? You wanna know? He didn't feel like taking a nap in his bed because it'd ruin how perfectly he made it that morning, so he slept in mine."

"So?"

"Oh, that's not all!" Axle threw his hands up. "He actually _pissed_ in his sleep. IN MY BED!" At this point Axle punched one of the poofy chairs, his fist sinking into the old chair before he pulled it out.

Sassy snorted. At Axle's questioning look, she raised her head and looked at him like he was stupid. "Really, Axle? You didn't put an Anti-Leif spell around your bed to protect it? EVERYONE knows Leif wets the bed the moment he falls asleep. That's why he always smells like urine." Bruised and Leopard nodded in agreement.

Axle just put his face in his hands, shaking his head and narrowing his eyes. "He will pay for that. My god, he _will_ pay."

"What are you going to do, steal his work?" A female voice said behind Axle.

When Axle turned to see who it was, his eyes narrowed even more and he glared at her. "Get the fuck over it, for Christ's sake."

"No." Hermione retorted, leaning on one of the tables. "You tried to steal my work, but your stupidity caused you to regret it. You have paid for your sin, but you have not yet repented."

"_You have paid for your sin, but you have not yet repented._" Axle said in a girly, nasally voice, throwing her one final glare and turning to stare into the fire. Hermione just shrugged, walking away to where Harry and Ron were sitting.

"Hate her so much."

"We know, Axle."

"Can't stand that bitch."

"We know, Axle."

"Needs to fall into a hole, she does."

"We know, Axle."

His tirade was interrupted by Leif coming out of the portrait hole briskly. They all stared at his sweaty, dirty frame, an unspoken question sketched in their eyes.

After a beat of silence, he exclaimed, "I made it! I made Chaser!"

Everyone groaned in disappointment, Bruised grumbling, "We didn't get to see you cry."

Leif was holding up a broomstick now, excitement rolling off of him. "I get to fly on this! ISN'T IT AWESOME? I get to fly around the field with a ball and try to throw it in these GIANT hoops! And guess what? I GET A UNIFORM!"

He pulled a dirty, old shirt from behind his back, the number _13_ in golden letters on the front and back. "This is the shirt. I have boots and a cape and gloves and-"

"Shut up." Bruised growled. "No one cares."

"WE HAVE A GAME IN ONLY THREE DAYS!" Leif ignored her. "I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED! I WILL PLAY AWESOME!"

"Twenty eem Gryffindor loses because of him." Bruised leaned over to mutter to Axle.

"Not taking that bet." Axle muttered back, looking Leif up and down.

* * *

><p>"WELCOME, FANS, TO THE FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR! GRYFFINDOR VERSES SLYTHERINNN!"<p>

Students cheered and whistled as the final words were spoken, sporting their colors and beating their fists against the seats. The two teams walked onto the field, and Bruised, Sassy, Leopard, and Axle all squinted to see Leif. "He looks like a wreck." Sassy noted, pulling out a sign with "Quidd" written on it in pink letters. "We should show our support." She smirked.

They all had a sign, and put together it said "Quidditch Bitch." Leopard held her "Bit" backwards for a moment, but a little help from Axle, and they were all set.

Leif rubbed his hands together nervously, glancing at the Slytherin Quidditch team standing opposite of him. They all looked a whole lot bigger than he was, and they all seemed to be pissed at him for some reason, because _every single one of them _was glaring daggers at his scrawny frame. Leif raised his hand and waved hi, but their glares just deepened. Harry Potter leaned over to Leif and whispered to him, "That captain right there, her name is Acid. She's a beater and will knock you the fuck out if you don't move fast enough."

"Thanks for boosting my confidence." Leif rolled his eyes, shaking slightly as the two captains shook hands, and Madam Hooch blew her whistle, signaling take off. "Okay teams, mount your brooms."

Leif nearly fell off of his as he rose up in the air; he was shaking so badly his glasses nearly fell off his nose. "Don't worry, brah." A fellow chaser to his left whispered to him. "Squats and oats, brah. All you need to do well."

"I don't _have_ any oats, nor have I done any squats." Leif retorted irritably, glancing at Madam Hooch for the whistle starting the game. The Chaser just shrugged, giving Leif a short nod before turning to the Chaser opposite of him. Leif did the same, seeing a girl glaring at him and grinning like a madman.

"Greetings." Leif said suddenly, holding out his hand.

"Shut the fuck up." She replied, gripping her broom and dropping her gaze to stare at the Quaffle Madam Hooch was holding.

"Here we go." Bruised, Sassy, Axle, and Leopard said in sequence, focused on Leif.

"Here we go." McGonagall and Snape said together, two hundred galleons at stake for both of them.

"Here we go." Dumbledore cheered with the rest of the staff.

"Here we go." Madam Hooch said irritably, the red Quaffle held in her hands.

A whistle blow, a Quaffle thrown, and the game started.

"HERE WE GO!" Leif roared against the wind, his glasses nearly falling off from the speed his broom was going. During practice he played it safe, but now, out in an actual game, he had to be as fast as possible. He tried to keep up with where the Quaffle was, but everyone was moving fast and all he could see between tears was a clash of red and green.

"Johnson is currently in possession of Quaffle, she throws it to Universe, nice catch! Ouch! Universe is hit with a speeding bludger aimed by Acid. Is K-Brooks even doing anything? He's at the wrong side of the field…"

"Quidditch Bitch. Quidditch Bitch. Quidditch Bitch." The four in the crowd chanted, stomping their feet and holding the signs up. "Leif gets every witch, he's a Quidditch Bitch. He doesn't have a single glitch, he's a Quidditch Bitch."

Leif barely heard them as he chased after the girl that told him to shut the fuck up earlier, the Quaffle now under her right arm. "COME BACK!" He whined as she flew circles around him, nicking and nudging him every so often. When the two competent Gryffindor Chasers came to help him she sped away, scoring a goal for Slytherin.

"A goal for Slytherin, scored by RPGrl. K-Brooks seems to be throwing a tantrum…why did Angelina choose him?"

Leif spun around on his broom, coming face to face with the other beater for Slytherin. "Move, bro." The Beater said lazily, his bat swinging carelessly in his right hand. "Or I'll aim my next bludger at your ugly, four eyed face."

Leif snorted, riding around on his broom menacingly. "You _move_, or I'll sign you up for 500 subscriptions to the _Daily Prophet_, all of which you'll be paying for."

"ISOSTORM!" Acid yelled from where she was aiming a bludger at King Universe. "I kind of need your help over here!"

Iso gave Leif one last glare before zooming over to the captain, both of them beating the shit out of Universe with their bats.

A whistle blew. "PENALTY TO GRYFFINDOR!" Madam Hooch went over to where King was sporting a bloody nose and possibly sprained wrist. "Time out." She called, and the two teams reluctantly went down to the ground.

It only got worse after that.

The Quidditch game was almost done, and Gryffindor was in the lead. If they caught the snitch they would win, but the same could be said for Slytherin. So far Leif had managed to not even score 10 points, making him the worst player in the game. The Slytherins had even handed him the Quaffle a few times in the game, knowing he would drop it.

Leif gave out a whine of pain as a bludger nicked his shoulder, and he nearly dropped the Quaffle he was carrying. He was speeding towards the goals, eyes narrowed in determination. "No, K-Brooks, no!" He heard someone shout, but he was determined to score once.

With a great heave, Leif hurled the bright red ball at the right hoop, sweat causing his eyes to blur. A roar of cheering erupted, and Leif turned arrogantly around, wiping the sweat out of his eyes. "See, I made a goal." He pointed out to the Gryffindor captain.

"You scored in _our_ goal, you fucking idiot! They now have 10 points because of you!" Angelina screeched, grabbing a bat from the Beater and hurling at him. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

Leif started to cry, and they had to reluctantly finish the game. Leif zoomed around, hoping to redeem himself in the eyes of his teammates.

"Johnson in possession of Quaffle, hopefully she won't score for the other team…Crap! Knocked straight out of her hands by an incoming bludger. Damn Acid…our so called Seeker needs to hurry up and win!"

Leif raced through the current game, searching desperately for the Slytherin possessing the Quaffle. "You!" He screeched as he came face to face with RPGrl.

She grinned. "Me." She taunted him by throwing the Quaffle to him but catching it before he could reach it. "Have fun LOSING."

"NO!" Leif had a burst of determination, and flew straight for her, knocking it out of her hands and causing her to nearly fall off her broom.

"K-BROOKS IN POSSESSION!"

Leif tucked it under his left arm, squinting through his sweaty eyes and glasses for the right side of the field. He found it, seeing the Slytherin Keeper looming around the three hoops.

"HE'S GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION! GO K-BROOKS GO!"

Leif picked up the pace, flying as fast as his broom would allow. Only a little ways to go now…he had to make sure he scored. He squinted even more, trying to locate the hoops. "Uh….where are the goals? I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING!"

All of a sudden he found them, and hurled the Quaffle as hard as he could toward them.

"NO, K-BROOKS, NO!"

* * *

><p>"Oww…" Harry groaned, rubbing his ribcage with his left hand. "…What the hell happened?"<p>

Angelina was squatting down next to him, looking almost like an angel. If you ignored the _extremely_ pissed look on her face. "You wanna know what happened? You wanna fucking know? K-Brooks managed to mistake you for the goalpost, moments before you were about to catch the snitch!"

Harry looked confused, but his memory slowly faded back and he creased his eyebrows. "Oh yeah…Malfoy was diving for it too, and I was just about to get it…but something happened." Harry then started to look pissed, swerving his head around to look for their newly acquired chaser. "Where is he?"

"In the locker room, sobbing."

"Oh…" Harry didn't really know what to say. "So Malfoy caught the snitch?"

Angelina made an indistinct noise in her throat. Harry took it to mean 'Yes.'

"McGonagall bet Snape two hundred galleons on who would win, right?"

"Yes."

Harry paled. "Oh god. Leif is a dead man."

* * *

><p>"C'mon, Leif…cheer up!" Leopard handed Leif a drawing of a dog she drew in Potions. Leif looked at it glumly, letting it fall to the floor.<p>

"I lost my first game…I can't believe it." He shook his head. "I can't even believe it. I'm probably the worst Quidditch player to exist."

"What happened to Quidditch Bitch?" Sassy teased, causing Leif to look even sadder. She shook her head. "C'mon now, you've never been this angsty. It's annoying as hell."

"Yes." Bruised added. "I agree. You're usually an asshole. I'm not used to this seriousness and depression from you." Leif just laid down on the floor, tears pouring down his cheeks. They were the last five in the common room, choosing to stay up and try to cheer up Leif. It was late, and they all wanted to go to bed, but there seemed to be a moral obligation to make sure Leif didn't jump off the Gryffindor Tower or bleed out in the bathtub.

"I know what we can do." Leopard exclaimed suddenly, sprinting across the room, knocking down chairs and tables.

"What?"

Leopard turned to all of them, a wide grin spreading across her face. She took her hat off, holding it in her hands and raising her eyebrows in an amused expression.

"Leif, I have a question."

"What?" Leif sighed, staring at his hands.

A pause.

"Truth or dare?"


	9. Truth or Dare

"Uh, no." Leif stated simply, picking himself off of the floor and brushing himself off. "None of your silly games will cheer me up, especially if it's one made for seven year old girls."

Despite Leif's obvious reluctance, the rest of them seemed fine with playing a game 'made for seven year olds.' Leif snorted in disgust, looking at them all with disbelief. "Honestly? You guys _honestly_ want to sit here, at midnight, and play a stupid, irrelevant game that is sure to cause NOTHING but trouble?"

Sassy sighed. "No, Leif. But this is a chance to cheer you up, and why not take it? Sure, it's a bit childish, but come on. Grow a pair."

Leif sniffed, adjusting his glasses. "FINE. But I'm not promising to enjoy the game, oh no. And if it gets too late, I'm going to bed."

Leopard grinned. "Great. Let's see…if you refuse to do a dare or answer a truth, you have to do all our homework for a week. Sound good?"

"Okay." Axle said, folding his arms across his chest, and the others agreed. "But how is this going to go? Are we going to spin a bottle?"

"Sure, why not?" Leopard replied, pulling out a random empty bottle of wine out of her bag. No one really wanted to ask.

They soon were all seated cross-legged on the floor in front of the fireplace, the only source of light in the nearly deserted common room. Eerie shadows were on the walls, making them all get shivers and glance around nervously. Leopard gently placed the bottle in the center of them, the flames from the fire flickering on her face. "Let's go."

Axle gulped when it landed on him, and he glanced at the others with undisguised fear. "I don't think it's really fair; Leo is nearly insane. What if she makes me to do something outrageous?"

"We're all here. We know when a line is crossed. Quit getting your man panties in a bunch." Bruised responded, nudging Leopard so she could remember that it stopped spinning.

"Axle, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

Leopard narrowed her eyes, unimpressed. "You wanna be a wimp at the start of the game? Fine. But when you do take a dare from me, and trust me, you will-" Leopard leaned in close to where her face was inches from his. "I shall show no mercy." Axle gave another gulp, fidgeting. Leopard blinked. "Axle, have you ever, even if it was only once, thought about Sassy in a sexual manner?"

Sassy frowned, but Axle turned a sick color, and started shaking. "Erm…Uh…" He took in a gulp of air. "N-"

"_SERVO VERUM!_"

A spell with a breathtaking force hit Axle in the chest, causing him to stumble over backwards and clutch his chest in an attempt to breathe. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence only disturbed by Axle's wheezing, the boy in question crawled back to where he was sitting, still slightly shaken.

Leopard looked almost sadistic in the light caused by the fire. "Now I'm going to ask you one more time, and only one. Have you ever had a sexual thought about Sassy?"

Axle hung his head, murmuring "Yes." Sassy facepalmed, and Leopard smirked triumphantly. "It was only once though." He continued, glancing around. "And it was a dream, I swear."

"What spell did you hit him with, Leo?" Bruised asked, cocking her head in mild interest. "It didn't look familiar, but it must have done something."

"I made it." Leopard retorted, gazing into the fire. "One night when I was bored because I finished _1000 Ways to Hunt Wild Zeka_. It forces the person to 'keep the truth' or makes them incapable of lying." She grinned. "It's WAY better than that potion Snape was droning about. I haven't got the quirks out, though…hence the pain."

Bruised rolled her eyes and Leif looked at Leopard with new respect and slight fear in his eyes. She merely tipped her hat slightly in his direction. Sassy was bored, so she bitched to Axle to take a turn.

"Oh, goodie." Axle said when it landed on Leif and he chose dare. "Okay Leifikkins, I dare you to uh…" Axle laughed. "I dare you to write 'Filch is a sex god' on the wall. And make it to where the teachers know it's your handwriting."

"NO!" Leif whined, looking at the bare wall on one side of the common room. "I don't want to get in trouble." He took his sandals off and started to rub his feet. "Besides, my feet hurt. I dunno if I can stand up, let alone walk."

"You were fine ten minutes ago-"

"Shut it, Sassygirl."

"C'mon, Leif." Axle tried to nudge Leif, but the young man flinched back and glared at him behind his glasses. "You won't even get into trouble probably. And do you honestly want to be doing our homework?"

Leif just sniffed for a few seconds before steeling his nerve and standing up, his knees wobbling. He grabbed a quill from a table and dipped it in ink, walking over to the wall and, hands shaking, writing "Filch is a sex god" in big, black letters. Everyone was chortling with laugher by the time he scribbled the last letter on it, trying to hide their amusement when Leif sat back down. All eyes were on him as he spun the wine bottle.

"Ugh it keeps landing in the middle of people."

"We're sitting too far apart."

"No way am I sitting even closer to Bruised, she'll touch me sexually."

"Good grief!" Sassy exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. "How about we just CHOOSE who we want to ask? As long as we don't choose people too much or whatever it shouldn't be an issue."

They all mumbled their agreement, and Leif looked around, choosing his victim. "Leopard."

Leopard pushed her hat down below her eyes, almost as if to hide from the next truth or dare. "Dare." She whispered, leaning to where she rolled on her side.

"I dare you to uh…uh…" Leif glanced around. "You know that Harry Potter kid? The ugly dude with the glasses? Go steal something of his."

Leopard peeked from under her hat. "What? Seriously?" She scoffed. "That's not hard." She picked herself off the floor, staggered for a moment, and walked up the boys' staircase.

"She's honestly doing that?" Sassy shook her head. "That could probably get her expelled. Not that I care." She glanced around. Nobody answered her question, as the answer was obvious, and they all sat in achingly awkward silence for a good five minutes. "Good god." Sassy complained as Leopard made her way down the staircase, something transparent in her hand. "What took you?"

Leopard blushed. "Neville is so cute when he sleeps. It took all my self control not to cuddle with him. Anyway," She threw the object in the center of their circle. "I got this; I think they're called Invisi-Cloaks or something. It turns you invisible when you're under it." The cloak was silky, and they all oohed and aahed as they ran it through their fingers.

"Leopard, your turn." Bruised informed her, rather curious to when she would get dared. Leopard slanted her eyes and looked at Bruised, and Bruised on instinct said "Dare."

"I'm going to do a similar thing of what I was dared to do." Leopard stated matter-of-factly, sitting back down. "I dare YOU, Bruised Weasel, to go raid Dumbledore's underwear drawer and bring back the most interesting thing you find."

Bruised smiled.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,<em>

_In light of our most recent discovery, I suggest that it is best if we do not tell the persons in question of our knowledge until we absolutely have to. Sybill assures us that she is not wrong, cannot be wrong on this one, and given the evidence supporting this I hate to say that I cannot disagree._

_Until we hear more from Severus, I do not think there is much the Order can do. As you suggested at the last Order meeting, there may be a loophole we can exploit, but everything rests on the knowledge Voldemort _may _or_ may not_ have._

_Whatever you choose to do, you must remember that it is just too risky to tell the Five at this time._

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress_

_Head of Gryffindor_

Bruised sat the folded piece of parchment back in its original position, a confused and slightly worried expression on her face.

She was standing next to Dumbledore's desk, about to enter his chambers, when a piece of parchment, half hidden in the shadows, caught her eye. Without hesitation she picked it up, glancing over it quickly and reading it three more times before putting it down.

_Does this have anything to do with Voldemort trying to kill us? Probably._ She scowled, anger flaring at the thought of secrets being kept from everyone. Well, mostly her. But still everyone. She was the person usually keeping secrets, and almost instantly she decided she would not tell the rest of her discovery for now, only for the sake of having a secret.

Bruised pushed the door open that led to Dumbledore's chambers with little effort. It was password protected, but come on, is 'Fox & Sons' really a hard password? Bruised paused in the doorway to his bedroom, watching him roll over and mumble something incoherent. Even from here she could tell that those were lemons on his yellow pajamas.

The floor creaked as she not so stealthily tiptoed over to his dresser. Assuming it was the top drawer, she eased it open, an assortment of underwear greeting her. Underwear with polar bears, trees, lemons, and even the American flag on them filled the drawer to the rim, and Bruised dug through it for a bit, finding a chewed straw, an old bowling hat, and finally, a framed photo. She picked the latter up and looked at it.

A blond, sexy man with absolutely no swag was grinning at her, his teeth shining in the glint of the camera. He waved, holding up a portrait of himself and strutting around with it for a few seconds, waving once again. Bruised noticed a bit of writing in the bottom left corner; the handwriting was curly and flamboyant.

It read:

_Ah, Albus! The dinner was lovely, the night even better. ;)_

_I hope we can do it again some time. Anytime. Tomorrow._

_Stay cute!_

_Sincerely,_

_Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award._

* * *

><p>"LOL."<p>

The five passed the picture around, smudging the glass with their fingerprints. Bruised smirked, a 'Mission Accomplished' expression on her face as they all stared at it, eyes wide, grins spreading across their faces. "I knew it." Sassy said carelessly, picking on her fingernail.

"Shut it Sassy." Bruised grunted, sitting back down in her spot. "Truth or dare."

"Truth, naturally." Sassy shot back, everyone already knowing she didn't have the balls to do a dare.

Bruised sat and thought for a few moments, eyes narrowing as she saw the display of arrogance Sassy was putting on. "Okay, Sassy. All of us here, even Leo, are aware that you have sexual thoughts-" Sassy tried to protest, but Bruised cut her off. "Stop lying, we know you do. Under usual circumstances I'd ask you if you did, in fact, have sexual thoughts, but that's too easy. You'd say 'no' like always. No, Sassy. What I want you to do is tell us your _most recent_ naughty thought, and describe it."

Everyone noticed Sassy gulp and freeze as Bruised finished what she was saying. "Uh…" Sassy dragged it out, looking around. "I'm trying to remember, stop looking at me like that…"

Except she was lying; Sassy remembered perfectly well what her last sexual thought was, and it scared the shit out of her.

"_This is getting pretty depressing." Leopard peered in her binoculars as the Quidditch players zoomed back and forth across the field, Leif making feeble attempts to catch the Quaffle. All of them were getting sick of watching Leif make himself look like a fool, and their arms were really getting tired and throats really sore._

"_You could say that again." Axle agreed, putting his binoculars down and rubbing his face._

"_This is getting pretty depressing."_

"_You're a fucking idiot." Sassy shot at Leopard, rolling her eyes. As she said that Slytherin scored and the people dressed in green cheered in the stands, hurling insults at the Gryffindors and pelting them with fake Snitches._

"_Shut the hell up Sassy," Bruised snapped in Leopard's defense, tired of Sassy complaining about everything. "And while you're at it stop staring at Professor Snape's ass. Yeah, I noticed."_

_It was kind of funny, because up until that point Sassy wasn't actually staring at Snape's ass. But as Bruised said that she instinctively turned her binoculars to where Snape was standing, looking like an asshole, on the opposite end of the field. The sight of the ugly Potions' Master made Sassy angry, and she shoved Bruised in the side. "You can go to hell."_

_Bruised just snorted, screaming "Quidditch Bitch!" as Leif almost made a goal, missing by a good thirty feet._

_Stupid Snape. Stupid ugly Snape whose personality was like rat poison. Incompetent Snape._

_He did have a nice ass though, didn't he?_

_Sassy shook her head hard, trying to blank out the thoughts that were going through her head without her permission._

_Actually, it was really nice._

"_Ugh, stop it!" Sassy mumbled, hitting herself in the head. "Stop thinking that. He's a fucking douche bag." And he was, he really was._

_But he still had a nice ass._

Leopard snapping to the beat of "Another One Bites the Dust" snapped Sassy out of the flashback she was having and she looked up, reality coming back to her with a flood of fear. "Uh…well…today."

That wasn't a lie, and the four people leaned in further to hear what she had to say. Sassy darted her eyes back and forth, trying to come up with a lie. A risky idea came to mind and she grabbed it.

"When Leif was about to score for Slytherin, when he had the Quaffle in hand and was flying across the field, I couldn't help but think…but think…" Sassy dragged it out, hoping that her voice sounded reluctant. They believed her.

"But think what, Sassy?"

Sassy closed her eyes and steeled her nerve. "That he would look damn fine with whip cream on his chest."

It was the better of two options, but not by much. Their mouths dropped open and Bruised broke out into a genuine grin, her eyes bright behind her glasses. "And there it is."

The Truth or Dare game went on without much improvement; they were daring each other to do the stupidest shit. Leif was dared to grab an umbrella and go on the Astronomy Tower and reenact Marry Poppins, something they all had the pleasure to watch while under their brand new invisibility cloak. Axle got dared to fap, going into the bathroom with a _Playwizard_ and coming out ten minutes later, looking sweaty. They weren't idiots though; they knew the 'sweat' was really tap water he sprinkled on his face and even still they could hear his iPod playing in the bathroom for the full ten minutes.

Finally, they were where they are now. They were all extremely tired, the game coming to a close. Leopard looked at Axle groggily. "Neville, sweet Neville. That is my crush. But, if I had to choose a girl, it would be that hot Ravenclaw girl with the turnip earrings."

"OI!" Axle scrambled up. "She's mine! Not yours, mine."

"Women are not a piece of meat, Axle." Leif informed him, sitting in one of the chairs in the common room. He had switched places after Sassy's 'revelation' and was now a good few feet away from her. "They cannot be traded and defended like they are money. But they can be auctioned."

"I don't even…" Bruised started but trailed off because she realized it was pointless.

"Bruised, we meet again." Leopard rubbed her hands together like a super villain. "Truth or dare." Bruised chose truth this time, just to spice it up a bit. "When do you plan to screw our Headmaster?"

Bruised pulled out a folded piece of paper, unfolding it and holding it out in front of her. It had a poorly drawn chart on it. "I estimate that we will be lovers by Christmas. Soon I will befriend him, shooing away that bitch McGonagall and taking her place as 'best friend.' Then one day I will do something horrible to him, but he will not know it was me. Instead, he will come to me, sobbing, and I will comfort him, slowly leading him to his bed, where we will cuddle. If we do not have sex then, I will wait until he breaks down again and then I will screw him."

She said this all like it wasn't a horrible thing to do to someone, and they all just stared. The dirty clock sitting on the mantle above fireplace read four o'clock, but it was half an hour slow. The game would soon end. They realized this. "C'mon Bruised." Leif yawned, stretching. "Finish up the game. And make it good." Leif could not deny that the game _had_ cheered him up, and he couldn't wait to see how it would end.

Bruised leaned back a bit, her gaze sweeping across the four of them. Naturally, they rested on the most fun person to toy with. "Sassy," Bruised started, easing in slowly so she wouldn't scare her away. "Throughout the game you have only picked 'truth.' What are you scared of?"

Sassy started to protest. "I'm not scared of anything it's just-"

Bruised cut her off, knowing she would get a reaction. "Choose dare, then. Unless you're a pussy, which you probably are. You know what?" Bruised threw in the next part for kicks, trying so hard to get Sassy to choose dare. "Never mind. You ARE a pussy. You wouldn't do it if I paid you. Always playing it safe, always being careful. It's almost pathetic."

Oh god. Sassy's face.

"DARE!" She yelled, a bit too loud, at Bruised. "You fucking bitch, trying to stir that out of me, and FINE. You win. I cave. Dare."

Bruised actually grinned from ear to ear, a dare already picked out.

Sassy held her breath.

"I dare you to throw a bucket of cold water on Professor Snape."

Complete silence, and Sassy blinked; Bruised's dare had not yet sunk in. "W-What?" She stuttered.

"I dare you to throw a bucket of cold water on Professor Snape."

Another blink, a hitch of breathe; it sunk in. "I-I can't. I'll get in trouble."

Bruised looked at her lazily, expecting this. "No you won't. We'll take the invisibility cloak. He won't even know you did it. He'll be in his bed, sleeping like a baby. He'll probably melt the moment the water touches his skin, actually."

Leopard and Axle were cracking up at Sassy's dare. "Oooh la la." Axle shook his hips mockingly, and Sassy, without hesitation, punched him in the face. Axle scrambled up, pointing a finger at her. His bottom lip was split in half.

"Hey!" Axle shook with the pain of being hit. "It's not my fault that you want to fuck Snape!"

"I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. FUCK. PROFESSOR. SNAPE." Sassy grinded her teeth together.

Leopard obviously didn't comprehend that the subject took a drastic turn. "Haha, he's gonna probably get his first bath, ha."

Her statement actually brought them back to the point at hand, and Bruised went over and picked up a random bucket, shoving it in Sassy's arm and pushing her towards the bathroom sink.

"Batter up."

* * *

><p>Sassy flinched when Snape's office came into view, and Leopard patted her shoulder comfortingly. It was rather awkward though; all five of them were under the invisibility cloak. Leopard had to stretch and rip it in some places to ensure that they would all fit under it.<p>

Leif was grumbling because he had to carry the bucket of water, muttering "Fuck Axle." Axle had the brilliant idea of adding a spell that would make the water literally _barely_ above freezing, and now Leif was having drops of freezing water run down his shirt and onto his skin. "This fucking sucks."

Sassy bit her bottom lip to stop herself from punching Leif. His life was so bad, huh? He wasn't the one about to pour a bucket of freezing water on possibly the scariest teacher in Hog fucking Warts.

"Okay Sass." Bruised said as they stood next to the entrance to Snape's chambers. His office looked especially creepy at night; all the floating, pickled animals looking like they were about to kill you was enough to give even Dumbledore nightmares. "We gotta guess his password."

"Potions."

"Evil."

"Scum of the Earth."

"Yo mamma."

No such luck. Leif looked frustrated. "Damn this door. Damn this teacher. You know, it's probably something long and stupid like," He said the next part in a mockery of Snape's deep voice "Ten points from Gryffindor."

To everyone's surprise, the door creaked open and almost instantly Sassy was shoved into the room. "Hey! Be gentle!" She warned, glaring at them while she picked herself up. It was hard to tell where the other four were, since they were wearing the invisibility cloak. After a minute Leif slowly nudged the bucket of water out into the open. "We'll be watching you, Sassy." Bruised's voice could be heard, and Sassy could mentally see the salute Leopard was probably giving her.

"Fuck you all." She flipped them off, but after hearing a snicker from Leif, she realized she was probably just flipping off the air. Oh well.

The bucket was cold and heavy and Sassy peered in each doorway before going in. His 'chambers,' as they were called, basically consisted of a room with a couch and a small table with books on it, a boring kitchen with no food(Leopard checked), a library overflowing with books on dark magic(shock, it was), and a bedroom.

The last room scared her.

She held her breath when she entered his bedroom, almost expecting him to be sitting up and waiting for a silly student such as her to walk in. But he wasn't. Every single one of them had to stifle their giggles when he came into view.

It wasn't that funny, honestly. But the fact that he looked so…_defenseless _was what made it really amusing. Snape was sleeping on the right side of his bed, clothes still on. He must have just walked in and laid down, because he hadn't bothered to get under the covers or anything. His fucking robes were even still on.

What a loser.

Maybe it was standing on the dusty floor in his bedroom, maybe it was the feeling of the water dripping over the edge of the bucket, or maybe it was the sight of him, but something caused Sassy to feel full force the reality of this situation. She couldn't do this. Bruised was right. She didn't have the balls. She was _weak_.

_Wait, that doesn't sound like me._ Sassy frowned, knowing she would never call herself weak. It took a few moments for her to realize that it was someone else calling her weak, that someone being Bruised. "Move along." The older woman hissed from under the cloak. "I want to get some sleep tonight, believe it or not."

Sassy scowled, walking a few paces up to where Snape was sleeping. His silky black hair was splayed across the pillow, and he just looked so…innocent. The mean, spiteful man that taught them Potions was replaced with this somewhat ugly, innocent creature.

It was such a shame Sassy never noticed he had left his wand on the table next to his bed.

_On three Sassy, you can do it._ She told herself, gripping the bucket of water and swinging it a couple of times as if to practice.

_One…two…_ Sassy closed her eyes, pulling the bucket back as far as she could and positioning it to aim at Snape.

_Three._

For a moment, nothing else moved as the ice cold water splashed literally _all over_ the Potions Master, drenching his clothes and his hair. But it only took a moment for him to stumble up, eyes still shut from sleep, and run straight for Sassy.

"RUN!"

Someone under the invisibility cloak let out a screech of terror and the cloak was flung to the side, caught by Axle, in a hurried attempt to get out of there as quick as possible. This was going terribly wrong, Snape was supposed to freeze up, giving them about twenty seconds to escape. But no, he acted on impulse, and they all hung Sassy out to dry to save their own skin.

Sassy ran with them, hurling the now empty bucket of water on Snape's couch, nearly tripping over someone (probably Leif) as she exited his chambers and then his office.

Snape was still stumbling, oddly fast, towards them, eyes now slowly opening. Sassy ran down the corridor, thanking any god out there that it was dark enough to where Snape couldn't see them. The four had a few feet over her, and Sassy struggled to catch up, running as fast as she could. Snape could be heard getting closer from behind her, and in a panicked attempt to save herself she tried to confuse him by making a sharp turn down another corridor.

Sassy tripped on air and fell face first onto the ground, stunned. It took little time for Snape to catch up to her and pick her up, grabbing her upper arm roughly. Snape pushed her against the wall and pinned her there, keeping the tight grip on her arm to prevent her from struggling. The rest of the Five were no where to be seen.

Snape rubbed the water out of his eyes, pushing the hair sticking to his face back. He blinked, eyes narrowing when he saw her. She gulped.

His grip tightened more and he hissed in her face. "_You._"

Sassy made another attempted to struggle, but he pressed her harder into the wall. The hatred in his eyes was disturbing.

"_You._"


	10. Consequences

Sassy couldn't help but flinch at the sound of his voice, undisguised rage evident with each word. "Get off of me." She said, struggling to wriggle her way out of his grasp. "That fucking hurts."

To her surprise, Snape did loosen his grip, and she was about to mumble a "good," but she realized that he only loosened it so he could retrieve his wand, which had clattered to the floor at some point during their struggle. He picked it up and almost on reflex pointed it at her, muttering "_Lumos._" The tip of the wand erupted with light and Sassy grimaced when she saw the look of complete rage on her Potions Master face. "What is the meaning of this, you _stupid_, incompetent girl?"

Sassy was about to give him a snarky retort but he pressed his wand into her neck, sending a hot pain down her spine and to her feet. "Shit, stop it!" She screeched, trying to shove him back so she could breathe. It didn't work, only making him angrier. By now his hair had dried partially, leaving a few strands at an awkward angle. Sassy had the sudden urge to rip them out of his skull. "Stop! I apologize, it was a fucking game of Truth or…"

"A g_ame?_ You think disrupting my sleep is a _game_?"

"No that's not what I-"

"Detention, Mrs. Girl_05." Snape snarled, pulling his wand away from her neck. Sassy gasped for air and slumped a bit, glaring at Snape. He matched it and curled his lip, lowering his wand and muttering "_Nox,_" to diminish the light. After a few moments of them just glaring at each other, Snape, now hidden in the shadows, couldn't help but ask something. "Who else was playing this Truth or Dare game?"

Sassy was pissed that they just abandoned her, so she tattled. "Leo, Bruised, Leif, and Axle."

Snape did not ask anything more, and Sassy did not know what she should do. "Bloody leave now." Snape growled, seeing that she was just going to stand there. "And tell your little _friends-_" He said the last part with mockery. "-that they have detention also."

Sassy was going to protest, but Snape whipped around and stomped towards his chambers before she could speak, his boots making sloshing sounds as he took each step.

* * *

><p>"She's dead." Axle decided, pacing around the room and throwing his hands up every few seconds. "She has to be. Snape murdered her."<p>

They were all sitting in their dorm, waiting for Sassy to come up. Ten minutes had already passed and Axle was coming up with stupid conclusions like "Snape turned into a bat and gave her rabies," or "He took her to his lair and forced her to eat canned pudding."

"Don't be ridiculous." Bruised snapped at him, pulling out a knitting kit and starting to knit. "They're probably making out right now. If there's not sexual tension there I don't know what it is."

"Like you and the Headmaster?" Leopard piped up, rolling around on her bed. She went a little too far and fell on the floor, her wizard hat rolling a few feet away from her.

"See? Leopard gets it."

Leif was staring out of the window. He had his hands folded behind his back and his face was blank. "Guys, I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that the Dementor Whistle will never work. How will I ever meet one if I can't even summon one?" He shook his head, not realizing that no one cared. His glasses started to fog up but he didn't even notice. "I'd dedicate my whole life to it if I knew it'd work. But I don't know. I don't know anything." A tear ran down his cheek.

"Oh shut up."

Leif whipped around, his face red. "You know what? Fuck you, Bruised Weasel. Go chase after old fucking men, I don't care!" He threw a pillow. "I'll live my life how I fucking want!"

Bruised stood up, fists clenched, but the door clicked open randomly and they all turned around to stare at the intruder. Sassy's shirt was wet from being so close to Snape, and her eyes were bloodshot. She slammed the door as she walked in, throwing herself on her bed. "We all have detention." Sassy rolled over and threw her blanket over her head before any of them could question as to why.

"What?" Axle threw his hands up again. "That's insane! That stupid, big nosed, greasy haired-"

"Git." Leopard finished for him, placing her hat gently on her nightstand. "Bloody git." The room got quiet, and they all settled down into their beds, the last one standing being Leif.

"Leave me to put out the damn fire." He rolled his eyes, moving his shoulders in circles. They were sore from the Quidditch match, which Leif had a difficult time believing only happened the previous day. He put out the fire with a simple wetting spell, backing up until his knees hit the side of his bed and he fell on it.

_Could this night get any worse?_

Axle started to snore.

* * *

><p>They were in Divination when the puny little first year scrambled up the ladder and into Trelawney's classroom, a piece of parchment crumpled in his pudgy fist. He handed it to Trelawney and scrambled away. Being the ugly, nosy bitch she is, Trelawney read it over and a glimmer of triumph came across her features. "Ah, I see a few of us have detention tonight. I predicted this of course, but one must still act surprised."<p>

Someone mumbling "eat shit," could be heard coming from the area where the Five sat. Trelawney frowned, never actually liking them since their first class because they didn't take her seriously. She snorted, handing the paper to Bruised.

"We all have separate detentions, fucking perfect." Bruised commented as she read it over. She chuckled as she finished it. "Oh, this will be memorable."

"Give me that." Axle snatched it out of her hands and read it for himself. "I have detention with LUPIN? What the fuck?" He groaned and rubbed his temples. "At least it's not McGonagall. That'd be who you have, Leo."

"Yes!" Leopard pumped her fist in the air, doing a small twirl.

"I, of course, will be serving my detention with Dumbles." Bruised commenting, leaning back. "Sexy, sexy Albus. Oooh, this will do wonders for my screw-the-headmaster schedule."

Sassy didn't need to read the slip to know who she was stuck with. "Fuck him. I hope he fucking gets raped by a student he bullied."

"Aw man." Leif whined, pushing his glasses up. "I have it with that savage that teaches us Care of Magical Creatures. He'll probably rape me."

"Silence!" Trelawney hissed, shaking her fist at them. "We are discussing the ancient marbles right now!"

"Do me a favor." Sassy rolled her eyes, picking at her nail and then looking up. "Find yours."

It took Trelawney about fifteen seconds to get it. She sniffed, ignoring the student and going to spray more of the sickening perfume around her room.

"We're all going to get screwed over in our detentions, no doubt." Axle whispered, looking at them all.

No one could disagree.

* * *

><p><strong>Random Intersection, 7:45 P.M.<strong>

Leif, Sassy, Bruised, Leopard, and Axle all stood in a circle facing each other, annoyed expressions on their faces. "We need to leave now." Leif remarked, pulling a piece of lint off of his shirt. "We don't want to be late."

"I know." Axle sighed, staring at a random portrait. "I just don't wanna go. The werewolf is creepy as fuck. Wait a minute…" Fear erupted in Axle's eyes. "Isn't this the full moon?"

No one said anything.

"ISN'T IT? OH MY GOD, IT IS. IT IS!"

"We need to leave, like right now." Leif said once again, shifting a bit from where he stood. No one looked happy except Leopard and Bruised, both of which were squeeing.

"Fine!" Sassy punched a wall. "Let's get this over with. Seriously."

One by one they each turned on their heel, walking down a different hallway, not looking back.

* * *

><p><strong>Leopard's Detention<strong>

"Truth or Dare, while fun, is not an acceptable game to play when the target of your mischief is a professor at Hogwarts. Students should take the faculty very seriously; we sacrifice our time and put in our effort to teach you the ways of magic and how to properly control it. What you did, or what you caused, was completely inappropriate and I hope you understand why you have received a detention."

"Yes ma'am."

"For your detention you will write an essay explaining why your behavior was wrong and if the consequences of your actions were worth the amusement that you received from tormenting Professor Snape. I expect two roles of parchment."

Leopard pulled out a dirty piece of parchment and a quill, biting the end of it in thought. Professor McGonagall, though she gave her a pep talk, did not seem particularly mad about what happened to Professor Snape. In fact, Leopard swore the corners of McGonagall's mouth almost tugged up in a smile when Leopard described what they did to get detention. The punishment required little labor in and of itself, and Leopard was pleased to have something to write about.

_Consequences; Only in Hindsight_

_By Leopard_

_It was completely out of line for Bruised to dare Sassy to dump a bucket of cold water on Snape. I guess she was not thinking about it much and that is why she did it. But, thinking about it now, can you blame anyone, and I mean anyone, for wanting to pull a prank on Snape? He's such an easy target and everyone knows the reaction would be more than superb. I'm not saying it was right, I'm saying that I understand why she did it. And yeah, I probably should not have egged her on, but whatever. That's in the PAST._

_Look at Snape, with his black robes and black hair and black eyes. HE IS DEAD INSIDE. EVERYONE HATES HIM. He's such a git, it was only last week __**that he told me to be quiet he didn't even have the right I mean come on I wish he'd go (bad word) himself I think he needs a**_

"Miss Leopard!"

"What?" Leopard looked up from her piece of parchment, quill still firmly in hand.

"I asked you to write an essay, not carve it into the bloody desk!"

"Huh?" Leopard questioned, looking down. Realization struck her. She had been so angry while writing that she had pressed down harder on the parchment; the paper had split as she wrote the last sentence. "Oh, sorry." She used the corner of her robes to wipe the excess ink that accumulated on the paper and desk.

McGonagall put her head into her hands, sighing. "Just finish the essay."

"ACTUALLY." Leopard said not-so-discreetly. "I was wanting to ask you something about uh…Transfiguration."

"Go ahead."

"DO YOU THINK NEVILLE WOULD GO OUT WITH ME?"

There was no reply for a good ten seconds.

"…How does that have anything to do with Transfiguration?"

Leopard pulled at her red hair, looking around. "Maybe I should buy him flowers, I hear he likes plants. I know! I'll mutate myself into a flower!"

McGonagall groaned and headdesked, not bothering to point out the flaws in her plan to Leopard. But Leopard kept babbling on, acting nervous about asking Neville out, and McGonagall finally got fed up with it.

"Look, ask the bloody boy out, okay? He's a bit slow to learn, and he'll probably be scared if you ask him out, but I doubt he'll refuse."

"You really think so?"

"Do I look like I'm kidding?"

"Touché." Leopard tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I'm going to ask him out in SONG."

"Oh dear lord please don't."

"It'll go like this…Neville, oh Neville, if you were a pebble, and I was a stone, I'd let you take, over my throne…"

"Just leave!" McGonagall suddenly shouted, running her hand through her hair. "Bloody leave! Detention over! You served it! Now leave!"

Leopard scrambled to collect her books and papers and quills, stopping at McGonagall's desk to hand in her unfinished report. "Professor, if it means anything, thank you." Leopard said to her. "You gave me some advice and I'm grateful and I can't wait to ask Neville out his hair is so nice and his clothing and his face and his everything and-"

"BLOODY LEAVE!"

* * *

><p><strong>Bruised's Detention<strong>

Bruised walked into Dumbledore's office to find it to be a complete mess. Not like it usually wasn't, but now it was worse. All his little trinkets were thrown across the floor, the drawers on his desk flung open, a bowl with silvery stuff turned over. Dumbledore himself was hunched over in a corner, frantically digging through a basket filled with supplies for Fawkes including extra food, a vest for when it was chilly, and bottles for his tears.

"Another time?" Bruised asked, surveying the room with some amusement.

"Uh, no." Dumbledore squeaked, jumping when he realized that she had entered his office. "I-I just misplaced something…nothing that important, it was just a photo…"

LOL.

"Might I help you look for this photo?" Bruised asked, walking over to where he was. Fawkes was fluttering in his cage, squawking.

"Okay!" Dumbledore seemed relieved that someone was going to help him. "That can be your detention, helping me look, since you have to search through all of this stuff…" He trailed off, standing up and looking sadly at all of his belongings. "I don't know why I collect, honestly. All I need is my Fawkes and my pensieve…MY PENSIEVE!" Dumbledore let out a girly scream and hobbled over to the overturned bowl Bruised noticed earlier. He ran his hand through the silvery stuff, frowning. "Oh well. I guess those memories weren't that important. The only one I'll miss is the one where Grindlewald and I had se…a conversation. Had a conversation."

Bruised folded her arms across her chest. "If I'm to be searching for this picture, can you describe what's in it, so I know what exactly I'm looking for?"

Dumbledore paled. "There's a man. Yeah, a man."

"Lovely description." Bruised rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

They started to search for the photo of Lockhart, Bruised just pretending. "Care for a lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked absentmindedly as they searched.

"Nah." Replied Bruised, peering under a table for the picture. Little did the Headmaster know that it was tucked safely in a blanket at the bottom of Bruised's trunk. Her mega complex plan can to mind. "Tell me, Dumbledore, are you dating Professor McGonagall?" Bruised grinned.

Dumbledore dropped the bowl of lemon drops. "W-What? NO! Who told you I was?" He fumbled with his lavender robes nervously.

"Just a thought. What do you see in her, anyway?"

"I'm not dating Minerva!"

"She's not good enough for you, honestly." Bruised baited, biting her lip to stop herself from laughing. "If you knew what she did…"

"What…? What did she do?"

"Shit. I never should have said anything." Everything was falling into place. Soon Dumbledore would hate McGonagall, and Bruised would have total reign over him. "But…"

"BUT WHAT?"

"I heard from someone that heard from someone else that McGonagall slept with a former teacher here."

Dumbledore's eyebrows rose. "Who?"

Bruised stifled her laughter and took a deep breath.

"I think his name was Lockhart?"

Dumbledore's eyes glinted for a moment and he turned around, mumbling something. "That little, after all I taught her, too…"

Bruised grinned and continued to search for the picture. After nearly an hour of searching, Dumbledore finally stood up, rubbing his eyes. "I guess we won't find it." He sighed, patting Bruised on the shoulder. "Thank you for telling me what Minerva did, I never would have known otherwise…"

_Wait for it. Wait for it._

"…I was wondering, would you like to have tea tomorrow? Maybe after your classes finish up? You could tell me some other dirty things that Minerva did."

_Everything comes with patience._

* * *

><p><strong>Axle's Detention<strong>

"Now follow me, follow me, that's it, don't stray too far, now!"

Axle was shaking with fear as he looked up at the huge, moving tree planted right in front of him. _Professor Lupin is insane._

When Axle had pushed Lupin's office door open the man was sitting at his desk, sipping out of a ladle he was holding. It was filled with a potion that was emitting blue smoke, and Axle backed up a few paces when he saw it. "Ah, Mr. _2. Don't be shy, come in, come in."

And then Lupin sat Axle down and explained his detention to him. "You will accompany me to the Shrieking Shack, a place where I used to transform into a werewolf as a kid. I don't need to go there anymore for my transformations, because this potion makes me calm, but I will go there anyway just because. You will watch me transform as a punishment, and you will spend the entire night watching me be a werewolf."

Lupin was probably the worst teacher ever.

"Axle, you are short and small. Run over to the knob on that root and poke it." Lupin instructed him as they stood out in the cold, looking at the tree.

"No way," Axle retorted, observing how the tree waved its branches around menacingly. "That thing could cut my head clean off."

"Come on." Lupin gave him a friendly shove, and Axle stumbled in the line of fire. Almost instantly a branch flew over and knocked him a good thirty feet in the air. "Oops!" Lupin took his wand out and swiftly aimed a few slowing spells at Axle and the young Gryffindor slowly glided down, stunned.

"You nearly killed me!" Axle gasped as his feet touched the ground.

"Nonsense. You're perfectly okay!" Lupin said, lying down in the grass on his stomach.

"What are you…?"

Lupin crawled through the grass, darting from one point to the other until he reached the knob on the root, where he promptly touched it. The tree instantly relaxed and Axle walked over, nudging the Defense Against The Dark Arts Professor with his foot.

It took nearly twenty minutes for them to go through the tunnel that lead into the Shrieking Shack. Lupin pushed the trap door open, smiling with nostalgia. "Home."

Axle looked around at 'home.' It was an old wooden house with dirt and dust and blood everywhere. All the furniture was broken, and many of the walls had deep scratches and cracks in them. "Ugh." Axle said, picking up his foot. "What did I just step in?"

"Padfoot's urine."

"UGH." Axle wiped his shoe on the ragged carpet in the center of the room. "I don't know who the fuck Padfoot is, but UGH. URINE."

"Now watch here," Lupin instructed him. The werewolf was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room. "I'm going to change soon, and I will turn into a gentle, harmless canine. You have absolutely nothing to fear."

Axle frowned, not believing it. He sighed, sitting down in one of the corners, his back to Lupin. Nearly an hour passed without anything significant happening, except for Lupin humming what suspiciously sounded like "Nobody's Perfect." Finally, after an hour of pure boredom, Axle heard a voice behind him.

"Grr. I'm changing. Grr."

Axle rolled his eyes, turning around. Lupin was on all fours, twitching and grunting. "This is so stupid…"

"Grr. Watch closely, grr."

Lupin started to sprout hair all over his body and Axle couldn't help but giggle. His clothes started to rip, and his fingernails elongated into claws. His teeth popped out, to Axle's amazement, and pointy, yellow fangs replaced them. "Grr. ROAR!" A tail grew, and Lupin's ears morphed into that of a wolf's. "ROAR! ME HUNGRY!"

Now full werewolf, Lupin took a few steps, looking at Axle like he was a piece of steak, saliva dripping off of his fangs.

Something was wrong.

"Get away from me!" Axle scrambled up as the werewolf lunged at him, claws extended. Lupin smashed face first into the wall, letting out a roar of rage. Axle ran up the stairs, blood pumping, and Lupin quickly followed him, the stairs collapsing after every one of the werewolf's steps.

The werewolf lunged at Axle again, nipping a piece of his cloak off. "Fuck off, Lupin!" Axle kicked the werewolf in the face, picking up an old piece of wood and smashing it over Lupin's head.

It had little effect.

Lupin raked a claw over Axle's face, reopening his almost-healed porcupine wounds. "OH MY GOD THE PAIN!"

Lupin ripped Axle's shoe off of his foot, swallowing it. "Fucking disgusting, man!" Axle exclaimed as he crawled away from the werewolf, still clutching his face. He kicked his way over to a glassless window, looking out of it. Hogsmeade could be seen in the distance, and Axle looked at Lupin and then at the window, making a decision.

Lupin was frantically sprinting towards him, the killing gleam in his eyes again. _Aw shit._

"Fuck it," Axle decided, flipping Lupin off. "I'm out of here."

He rolled out of the window.

"Shit!" Axle's shoulder hit the ground first, and he got up as fast as he could, looking up at the window. Lupin had poked his furry little head out of it and was staring at him. Obviously he decided the risk was too much, and he went back inside. Axle let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "That was scary."

Axle looked around. The streets were eerie, and he peered in the distance. "Man, Hogwarts is kinda far. Oh well," Axle shook his head, starting into a run, clutching his shoulder. "It's better than being near that crazy dude."

* * *

><p><strong>Leif's Detention<strong>

"Now yer gonna have ter put yer hand down deep, like this."

Leif grimaced, sinking his ungloved hand deeper into the barrel of slugs. "So why exactly do I have to use my bare hands, again?"

"To keep 'em comfortable. They hate gloves, you see. O'ny bare hands for 'em, eh?"

"I cannot even understand a word you are saying."

Hagrid had assigned Leif "the greatest pleasure" of digging out slugs for some of the magical beasts he raised to eat. Fang, Hagrid's stupid boarhound, would not stop licking Leif's knees, no matter how many times Leif shooed him away with a wave of his hand.

"Yer not gettin' the fattest slugs. Go in deeper."

Leif groaned. "This is like a low budget porno." He pulled up a squealing slug, wriggling in its own mucus. "Ugh. Ow!" Leif flinched back when it _bit_ him on the thumb, and the slug fell onto the ground and hurried away, leaving a trail of slime behind it. "You didn't tell me they had teeth!"

Hagrid scratched his fuzzy head. "I coulda sworn they didn'."

Leif threw his slime covered hands in the air. "Your incompetence is unsettling! Fuck you!"

Hagrid's beady eyes darkened at the last two words. "Hey now, f-five points from Gryffindor."

"I don't even care." Leif glared at Hagrid. "You incompetent, unintelligent savage! I CANNOT STAND YOU!"

Hagrid roared in rage. "You need ter stop callin' me tha'! I'm yer teacher!"

Leif fell on the ground randomly. "I WISH YOU WEREN'T! I WISH I COULD JUST LEAVE THIS SCHOOL!" He started to sob. "NOBODY LIKES ME! EVERYONE FUCKING HATES ME HERE!" He coughed as his body shook with long, aching sobs.

Hagrid just stared at him. "I don' think no one likes yeh. Wha' abou' yer friends?"

"Even they don't like me!" Leif screeched, tearing up some of the grass. "THEY ONLY PRETEND! I'M A FAILURE! ALL MY PLANS, ALL OF THEM, WERE BASED ON THE DEMENTOR WHISTLE, AND EVEN THAT FAILED!" Tears ran down his cheeks and he wiped them away sloppily, sniffing.

"The Dementor Whistle?"

Leif sniffed again, pulling his knees to his chest. "It was a device I tried to make that would summon a dementor when you blew into it. It didn't work." He looked down at his sandals, not wanting to meet Hagrid's gaze. "No matter how hard I try, it never works. Ever." He wiped his nose with his hand, grimacing when he saw snot had accumulated on his upper lip. "I'm a failure. A nobody. I'm just a boring leaf. I'm not even the tree."

"Isn' yer name Leif?"

"That's not the point!" Leif screeched, suddenly standing up. He walked over and tipped the entire bucket of slugs over; they all fell onto the ground and made a desperate attempt to get away, going every which way around the Hogwarts' grounds. "All I want in life is to see a dementor, just once, and I CAN'T EVEN DO THAT!"

"I could help yer."

Leif froze. "R-Really?"

Hagrid stomped over and patted Leif on the shoulder, causing him to nearly fall over. "Sure. All yeh need is ter brainstorm with someone or summat like that."

"T-Thank you." Leif snuggled closer to Hagrid until he realized how gay that looked and pushed himself off the half-giant.

"No problem. Always willin' ter help out a student. Yer detention is over, I think yeh have suffered enuff for today."

Leif started to cry again, this time with happiness. "OH MY GOD!" He skipped across the grounds, towards the entrance to the castle. "IT'S GONNA HAPPEN! THE DEMENTOR WHISTLE IS GONNA HAPPEN!"

Leif was skipping so fast he collided with someone on the steps to the castle. "Ugh." The figure grunted, rubbing his head.

"Axle?"

The boy was bloody and bruised, dirt across his ripped clothes. "What the hell happened?"

Axle looked at him with exhaustion. "Long story, bro. Come inside the castle and we'll talk."

"Erg, fine." Leif shook his head, holding out his hand to help pick Axle up. "The others should be in the dormitory soon, if they're not already there. C'mon, we don't want to be last."

* * *

><p><strong>Sassy's Detention<strong>

Sassy would be lying if she said that she wasn't afraid of what Snape might do to her. Truth be told, she was terrified. But she wasn't about to let him know that. She walked down the corridor leading to the dungeons, the feeling getting familiar since she already had detention with him once before. _Oh god. That detention_. She remembered what happened at the last detention with Snape. They were standing merely inches apart, breathing hitched, and Sassy had left.

It was so fucking awkward.

Sassy didn't bother to knock this time; she was already pissed from thinking about that last detention. He was a pervert, wasn't he?

Snape was sitting at his desk, like always, scribbling away on a piece of parchment. Sassy knew from tests handed back to her that his handwriting was absolutely _horrible_; she stopped trying to figure out what her grade was. She never could understand what he wrote.

"Sit down." Snape drawled without even looking at her. Sassy was curious, of course. Why didn't he just give her an assignment or a punishment or any of the usual, greasy stuff he did? She did as she was told, taking a seat in the corner farthest from Snape. He scribbled on the parchment for nearly ten fucking minutes, only stopping when Sassy got up to leave. He sat his quill down. "Where do you think you're going?"

Sassy glared at him. "I've been sitting here and you haven't even given me a punishment! What did you expect me to do?"

"I _expected_ you to do as you were told, as that is what is expected of all Hogwarts students." Snape hissed, gritting his teeth and gripping the side of his desk. "Though people as foolish and reckless as you never can seem to follow instructions properly, as you proved with your first potion."

"I am NOT reckless!" Sassy protested, her glare deepening. "You're a horrible teacher, treating everyone not Slytherin like shit!" With a fit of rage she ripped her tie off of her neck, throwing it on the ground. "Get rid of your biased opinions and go fuck yourself!"

Snape stood up almost immediately. "Fifty points from Gryffindor." He growled, walking over to her. "As for your detention, I want you to stand where you are, and _stay_ there. Do not move until I tell you to."

"What a shitty detention. As if that's hard." Sassy scoffed, folding her arms across her chest. Snape just shot her another glare before walking back to his desk and picking his quill up again. Sassy just stood there, glancing around the room as boredom slowly grew in her.

_One…two…three…fifteen. Fifteen gross, slimy things in this room. Oops, I didn't count Snape. Sixteen gross, slimy things in this room._

Sassy rubbed her arm; it was still sore from where Snape had pulled her up roughly the previous night. Snape looked up when she did that.

"Stop moving."

Sassy scowled. "Stop existing."

Snape ran his fingers through his hair, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Be quiet."

Sassy didn't blink. "Be nicer."

Snape growled at her obvious mockery, he stood up, eyes narrowing. "Shut it, you stupid girl. Drop this bloody tough girl act, it's not working."

"I'll drop the act when you drop dead."

Snape was next to her in a flash, eyes laden with fury. "What did you just say to me?"

Sassy smirked. "I knew you were deaf. You couldn't even hear me enter your chambers. Nice sleep clothes, by the way. They kind of remind me of your everyday clothes."

Snape growled. "You think this is funny, you foolish girl? You think throwing a bucket of water on a professor is funny?"

"Quite."

Snape pinched the bridge of his nose again, muttering "Ten points from Gryffindor." He looked her up and down, deciding to ignore her. He walked back to his desk, leaning on it. "If you want to behave like an arrogant, rebellious teen, fine. You will stand there for this entire detention, which is scheduled to be for four hours, by the way, behaving like an arrogant, rebellious teen."

Sassy's eyes widened at the scheduled time but she didn't say anything, just rolled her eyes. Snape walked back behind his desk.

Ten minutes.

Sassy imagined a meteor hurling down from space and hitting Snape.

Thirty minutes.

A pack of wild dogs ran in and shredded Snape to a million pieces.

Forty five minutes.

Snape was losing everyone he ever loved.

An hour.

_Shit my feet hurt._

"That's it." Sassy growled, taking a step; it felt weird after all this time. "I'm leaving, you can't make me do this, and I don't care what you say."

Snape didn't seem surprised. "I knew you weren't nearly as good as you think you are."

Sassy whipped around. "You're calling me arrogant? HONESTLY? You are the most arrogant, ego-obsessed person I have EVER met! And what do you have to be smug over, anyway? You're ugly, no one in this fucking school can stand you, and you have to teach kids fucking POTIONS for a living!"

Snape's eyes flashed. "Shut up, you foolish child. You know NOTHING about me, or anything else. What you _don't_ know could fill entire novels while what you _do_ know could be written on the back of your hand. Maybe you were considered a _genius_ back at where you came from, but trust me, Miss. Girl05, you are far from one."

Sassy walked up to him, closing some of the distance between them. "Honestly? I don't care what you think. No one fucking does."

"The same could be said to you, Miss. Girl05." Snape retorted, his eyes still flaring with anger. "Nothing you say will be something I haven't heard before from another foolish child I'm forced to teach. I'm twice your age and I sure as hell know a lot more than you do."

Sassy blinked, shaking with rage. They now were only inches apart, and she was looking up at him with ill disguised fury. "Oh, yeah? Prove it. I dare you."

Snape's eyes narrowed into slits, leaning in even more. His voice was barely above a whisper. "You really want me to?"

"It's what I said, wasn't it?"

The tension in the room was just too much; it felt unbearably hot for how cold the dungeons were. They both were shaking, they were so mad. The hatred, the fury, it was overwhelming. Sassy looked at Snape, expecting an answer. His lips were thin, and she took a sort of sick satisfaction out of the thought that she made him this angry. She was gloating to herself over this until he did something to stop her dead in her tracks.

He kissed her.


	11. Shad For Short

"What was that?"

"I dunno, it was odd."

"Who the hell cares? Jesus."

"I just wanna know! It felt like a disturbance in the natural balance or something gay like that…."

"Maybe Neville got a pimple! Oooh, that's probably it. Axle! Gerroff my bed, there's dirt everywhere!"

"Oh, sorry."

Four of the Foreign Five were sitting in their dormitory, Axle now on the floor rolling around from Leopard's violent shove. He was still nasty from his run from Hogsmeade to Hogwarts, clutching his shoulder and howling in pain.

It got old, it did.

They had compared detentions, eventually deciding that Axle did indeed get the worst out of them all. Leif had sneakily left out his breakdown, instead saying that he _ordered_ Hagrid the Savage to help him with his whistle. Bruised was busy drawing up a new Dumbledore Schedule, adding in factors such as his hate for McGonagall and his love for Lockhart.

"Poor Sassy." Axle said after a while, finally getting up and sitting on his own bed. "She's probably been killed by now. I guess we'll have to start planning a funeral." He stopped, pulling out a small roll of parchment and dipping a quill in ink. "Now," He sighed. "Shall it be a simple ceremony or should we hire a caterer?"

"Axle," Bruised didn't look up from her Dumbledore chart. "The joke wasn't funny to begin with. Adding the whole paper-and-pen effect just made you look stupid."

Axle stared. "I'm being completely serious."

Leif was polishing his broom. "I vote we send Leopard to the dungeons to check on her. It's only fair; Leo is the youngest and least likely to feel the full fledged wrath of Professor Snape."

"Do you remember anything Leif? Honestly." Bruised rolled her eyes. "Professor Snape has hated Leopard ever since she accidently spilled a potion on his robes, and in an attempt to clean it ended up staining his robes a deep, hot pink."

Axle giggled. "That was hilarious. It went a hot pink and it just stayed like that."

Leopard looked around nervously, holding her hat. "D'you think he ever f-fixed it? You don't think he's still mad, do you?"

"Nah." Bruised replied, folding her chart. "Snape probably kissed it and it died and turned black again."

Leopard sighed in relief, not getting it, and sunk lower into her mattress, her hat hanging limply in her hand.

It would have been a nice, somewhat uncomfortable silence if the door had not busted open at that very moment. It yanked from its hinges with a sickening crack, falling to the floor and engulfing the students in a cloud of formerly settled dust.

"THAT PERVERT!"

Leif gave a wheeze, coughing into his fist. "Wha-?

"THAT FUCKING PERVERT!"

The dust forced them to close their eyes, grabbing at the closest objects they could use to shield themselves with. There was crash, a slam, and finally a high-pitched, bloodcurdling scream of total rage.

"S-Sassy," Axle choked, keeling over and reaching in front of him blindly. "S-Stop moving. Please."

Another shriek rattled in their ears, and finally Bruised reached for her wand, clumsily aiming a stunning spell at where the doorway was. It took a few minutes for everything to calm down, and when they were all cleared of the dust they looked at Sassy. "What the fuck?"

Sassy stomped over to her bed, closing the blinds to her four-poster. "I'm not talking about it. Go away."

"You kind of brought it up-"

"I said go away."

"This is where I sleep-"

"GO AWAY!"

Leopard just scowled, folding her arms. After a moment she picked her wand up, flicking it to repair the broken door. It sprung off of the floor and repositioned itself in the doorway, hooking back to the hinges with a small click. Leopard, upset and feeling a bit more bitchy than usual, told Sassy, "You're just bitter because I like Neville and you like shitty old Snape. When I'm happily married to Neville and have ten kids, you'll be all alone and Snape will be lying in a ditch."

Before she could say anything else Axle walked up silently and flicked the light switch off.

A few minutes later a soft voice could be heard coming from Leif's bed. "…So what exactly happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

A pause.

"Okay…"

* * *

><p><em>A small, transparent object slowly flitters down in the sky, coming straight at you. You stretch out your mitten-covered hand and it lands in there softly, the gentle yet emotional touch sending shivers down your spine. You close your eyes and groan, running your tongue across the bottoms of your teeth. You open them, looking at the now slightly melted object resting in the center of your palm. You realize it is a snowflake.<em>

_It's winter! I would like to announce to fellow Hogwarts' inhabitants that this year will be like no other. The day before you get on the Hogwarts Express and return to your family Hogwarts will be hosting a special event._

_A special event just for you!_

_The staff and I have all unanimously decided that there shall be a ball every year at Christmas, a ball referred to as the SNOW BALL! (If you don't get it it's because you see snow in the winter and it's a ball. Also it's because snowballs are a personal favorite treat of mine. If you stop by the kitchens any time during the spring you'll probably see me making one with leftover ice I find in the sink randomly. Also I use some of Filius' root beer flavoring but he doesn't really need to know that. Oops, now he will. I don't really know where the backspace button is so if you're reading Filius all of that was a joke Severus told me to do. You can ask him.)_

_Ah yes, we will have our VERY OWN BALL! Much like the Yule Ball, but better, the Snow Ball will require all attendants to dress up in dress robes. It is not required that you bring a date, but it is highly recommended because we shall be 'getting down in the groove' at the Snow Ball._

_So have fun and be excited because this will be the first Snow Ball ever! You'll be legendary! We'll even have a photographer to take real professional photos!_

_Sincerely,_

_Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore_

_(Please note that it is required that all teachers must attend the Snow Ball to show their support of Hogwarts events.)_

_(Also note that I posted this in every available space on the walls in the corridors. Don't clean this up until Tuesday, Argus.)_

* * *

><p>Axle glided almost-smoothly down the hall, leaning on a corner and searching through a crowd of students exiting a class. Everyone looked the same, and Axle squinted hard. "Damn my impaired eyesight caused by reckless werewolves and killer porcupines." Finally, as the crowd thinned, he spotted her, and his head rolled off his shoulders and landed on the floor with a small thud. Metaphorically, of course.<p>

"Um…" Axle tapped his chin, nervous. He didn't know if he should approach her, or pretend to drop something that she could pick up, or whatever. He didn't have to, though, because her gaze landed on him and she made a beeline for where he was standing.

"Hello." Luna tipped her head casually to this side, holding her books against her chest, undisguised curiosity and amusement sketched in her face. "I felt your presence watching me. I was wondering if you were planning to ask me something. You had a confused look on your face."

"Yeah, I was wondering-"

"The boys' lavatory is down the corridor to the right and is the first door on the left, next to the statue of the hag with a missing foot."

Axle put a determined look on his face. "Actually," He let his voice drop in a deep, manly way. "I was wondering if you would like to accompany me to the Snow Ball next week. With me. Standing next to me. Holding my hand."

Luna didn't blink. "Sure."

Axle nearly shit his pants.

He just stood there, frozen, and Luna poked him. "No one has asked me yet, for some reason. I figure it might be the same reason I hear 'loony' being whispered when I walk down the hall."

_I have a date with the hottest girl in school._

"Of course it could have something to do with my school supplies occasionally disappearing."

_Hot, as in fire. She is fire and I am ice._

"It is easily possible that all three are connected."

_I will tame this goddess from the fire world._

After a few more minutes of small talk Luna told Axle she had to leave, and Axle turned around to walk back to Gryffindor Tower, Luna still on his mind.

_OMG THE BONER IS BACK._

Axle tried to cover his crotch with his book.

_I TOLD YOU TO GO AWAY OMFG._

Axle stood and thought for a moment, tapping his chin.

_I have a date. Does it matter? Nope, I have a date and a stupid boner will not spoil my mood._

He continued to skip happily along, nearing the corridor that lead to the portrait of the Fat Lady. "I'm going to the Snow Ball with the hottest girl in this whole damn school. I am a winner and NOTHING can bring me down."

With all of his happiness he nearly ran into someone, and Axle flinched back before they could collide. "What the-?"

"Watch where you are going!" Snape hissed, his lip curling at the sight of the teenage boy standing in front of him. Snape's eyes widening partially as he examined Axle's 'state of being,' and with a snort of disgust he added, "And five points from Gryffindor for your disgusting display of adolescent hormones."

"Gee," Axle squinted, folding his arms across his chest as Snape walked swiftly down the opposite hall. "What crawled up his ass?" He sighed, his gaze fluttering back to where Luna had disappeared. "He kind of just ruined the mood. Oh well. I still kind of have a girlfriend."

* * *

><p>"Move along, children. Hurry up; you're blocking the line here. I said hurry up!"<p>

Leif gave a squeal of pain as he was violently shoved out of the doors leading in Hogwarts, stumbling for a few moments before regaining his footing. He sniffed, pushing his glasses farther up his nose. He stood on the edge of the moving crowd, a scowl etched in his face as he waited for the others to join him.

"Can you believe it?" Leopard grinned as she, Sassy, Bruised, and Axle all joined Leif at where he was standing. "I never knew that Hogwarts let us go to a small village on some of the weekends. This will be exciting!"

"Uh, news flash. In case you haven't noticed, we have NO money." Bruised killed her mood, looking much like Leif as she scowled. She was upset that students weren't allowed to accompany teachers to the Snow Ball, and she tapped her foot in annoyance.

"Also, Leo, I saw Hogsmeade when I escaped from Lupin at my detention. It was dirty and the streets had garbage in them." Axle added helpfully. It didn't spoil Leopard's mood, though, and they made their way down the path with the rest of the students.

As they walked they could hear Harry talking to Ron and Hermione a few feet away. "Have any of you seen my invisibility cloak? It seems to have gone missing…"

They walked faster, getting a good bit ahead of the trio. As they neared Hogsmeade, Axle pointed urgently at an old, crumbling building. "Look! It's where crazy old Lupin took me for my detention. It was so gross inside, blood was EVERYWHERE."

"They have a bar." Leif commented as they trudged their way through the snow and into the actual village. "D'you think they'll serve us?"

"Well, considering this is a village where mostly kids go to I'm guessing they will. Besides, they'll serve me regardless." Bruised smirked, and they all walked into the tiny bar at the corner of a strip of stores.

"Ugh it stinks in here." Sassy frowned and they all looked at her, shocked. She had barely spoken since her detention, and they were surprised to see her say something.

About fifteen minutes later they all had sat down at a crooked table and had five butterbeers. They had shadily promised the waiter that they would pay after they had a few drinks. "This is delicious." Leopard gasped as she downed all of hers in one gulp.

"No it's not." Leif rolled his eyes. "It's fucking disgusting." He pushed his glass off to the side, looking around at the other students gossiping happily in the bar. "Everything is disgusting."

"Hey guys, did I tell you what happened in the hall the other day after I asked Luna out?" Axle asked as he gripped his glass of butterbeer with both hands. "The greasy git Snape took five points from Gryffindor because I had a boner."

"Gross Axle." Leopard commented, refilling her glass with the butterbeer Leif didn't want. "That's too much information."

"Well that's what happened. Hey Sassy, did Snape take any points from you in your detention…?"

Sassy flinched. "I don't remember."

"Honestly…? I thought you hated him. Wouldn't you remember?"

"Drop it okay?" Sassy snapped, purposely dropping her glass of butterbeer down to where it shattered on the floor, successfully creating a distraction.

"Ow Sassy!" Leif screeched, jumping up. "The glass cut my leg."

"Your fault for wearing shorts in the damn winter."

Leif scratched his leg, taking a napkin and putting it on his wound. "I'm bored. Let's go do something that requires no money."

Axle's eyes lit up. "We could go explore the Shrieking Shack! It'll probably be less scary in the daytime anyway."

Bruised rolled her eyes. "We have nothing better to do…I don't see why not."

* * *

><p>They found a busted window on one side of the old wooden house, and one by one they all climbed in, gazing around with curiosity. Like Axle had said, there was dried blood everywhere; on the floor, on the walls, and staining the rags scattered across the floorboards. Leif ended up stepping in a urine puddle, and he wiped his shoe on an old rug, sneering with disgust. "This is kind of gross." He stuck out his tongue as they climbed the creaking stairs in an attempt to explore the entire house.<p>

"Guys, check it out." Bruised called from one of the deserted bedrooms. "It's a giant fluffy dog."

"Lemme see!" Axle called back, stumbling over to where she was poking her head out of a doorway. "Aww, it's cute." Axle cooed, walking towards the dog, his hand outstretched. The dog was huge, with coarse black hair sprouting from its body. It looked rather thin, and for some reason was baring its teeth at Axle. "It's okay, doggie… Axle isn't going to hurt you…."

The dog made an aggressive noise from the back of its throat and lunged directly at Axle, its giant paws colliding perfectly with Axle's face, its claws outstretched. Axle gave a scream and they toppled over, wrestling for a few moments before Axle managed to retrieve his wand from his back pocket. He aimed a muscle relaxing spell at the dog's chest, and it went limp, rolling off of him with a few desperate shoves. "Stupid mutt! Now my face will be all ugly when I take Luna to the Snow Ball!"

"Get over it Axle." Sassy growled, appearing in the doorway with Leif and Leopard. She walked up, touching the dog on the top of its head. "You killed it, fucking idiot."

"No I didn't." Axle snapped, getting up and pulling a tissue out to wipe the blood off his face. "The dog's chest is obviously moving, do you have EYES?"

Sassy just kicked him, and after a moment they realized that it would start to get dark soon. "D'you think we should do something?" Leif asked, biting his thumbnail nervously. "I mean, the Savage could probably help him…maybe."

"Nah we'll just leave it here." Bruised told him, completely serious. "It'll regain consciousness soon, it's not like Axle used that Abra Kedabra spell or anything."

Leopard bent down and poked the dog in the chest. "We should name him…how about Shadow?"

Sassy looked at Leopard for a moment, waiting for her to say she wasn't serious. "That is quite possibly the dumbest name I've ever heard. Besides, it's hardly a shadow, the thing is huge."

Leopard wasn't listening. "Shad for short."

"Yeah, okay." Axle snorted, still wiping his eyes. "Now I know what to call the bitch when I strangle his ass."

"Tsk tsk." Bruised mocked, walking over to the window. "No need to be so violent, now." She gazed outside for a few moments, watching the students trudge down the snowy path leading to Hogwarts. "We should get going. Everyone is leaving and we don't want to be the losers who end up getting lost."

"B-But…" Leopard looked up. "The dog…"

"Honestly," Sassy grabbed the younger girl roughly by the arm, pulling her up and shoving her towards the exit. "You're starting to sound like Alpha. It's just a fucking dog."

As they pushed Leopard forcefully down the hall she made sure to call out one last goodbye.

"Bye Shad!"


	12. Snow Ball

"Severuss," Voldemort hissed, uncurling his hands from their appropriate rests. "It'ss been a while, Severuss."

"It has, my Lord." Snape dipped his head politely. He was kneeling on the floor in front of Voldemort, head held low, in a sign of deep respect. Voldemort liked to have all of his Death Eaters on their knees in front of him at least once a month, shifting uncomfortably and experiencing pains in their legs.

"Severuss," Voldemort let out a low groan, once again clutching his chair. "You may stop now."

Snape sucked in a breath of air, standing up straight and wincing for a moment. Voldemort sat thoughtfully on his throne, gazing at Snape with a curious, yet deceitful expression.

"Severuss, it hass come to my att-att…" Voldemort hissed, clutching his throat for a moment. Sometimes he had trouble pronouncing things and his natural stutter would be shown. The last person to make fun of it was Wormtail, and he was sitting in a dungeon all by himself currently.

"…Attention, my Lord?" Snape offered. He winced as Voldemort glared at him.

"Yess, Severuss." He hissed. "Problem, Severuss?"

"No, my Lord."

"Good, Severuss." Voldemort seemed satisfied, leaning back in his chair. Snape wasn't sure where this was going, and he looked around. Bellatrix was standing in the far corner, throwing a dead mouse against the wall violently. Nothing out of the usual.

"Severuss, it hass come to my attention that there are f-five studentsss at Hogwartsss."

"There are more than five, Lord."

"Hold your tongue, Severuss." Voldemort aimed his wand at Snape and muttered "Crucio."

It didn't work because Voldemort didn't know how to use magic properly, but Snape fell to the ground and writhed around so Voldemort would think himself a really powerful wizard. All the Death Eaters did this and Voldemort never noticed. He let Snape be like this for a few minutes before "reversing" the curse.

"Now Severuss, I must ask why I was not informed that the five studentss that I've been searching for, the oness that I could not kill earlier, the oness that decide my life and death, are attending Hogwartss."

"Sir, I did not think of it as important at the time."

"But why, Severuss?"

"Because they pose little threat. They are all horrible at magic, don't pick up on anything, and never use their head while making decisions. They could not possibly defend themselves against a powerful wizard such as yourself."

The ego stroke paid off. "Very well, Severuss." Voldemort said, smiling and conjuring a glass of wine. "I assk you to keep an eye on them for the time being. Make ssure they d-don't make the connection between themselvess and I."

"Very well, my Lord." Snape turned to leave, but Voldemort let out a soft sigh and Snape turned back, catching the signal that he should stay for a moment more.

"Severuss, on your way out, please tell Bella to s-stop harming Wormtail. He hass paid his debt." Snape glanced over to where Bellatrix was. Looking at the scene more closely, he realized that the mouse was actually a rat, and that it still had a thread of life left that it was hanging on to with tooth and nail.

"Yes, my Lord." Snape turned once again and headed for the door, poking Bellatrix sharply and looking at Wormtail and back at her, nodding his head slightly. Instead of stopping she took this as a sign to hit harder, and Snape grabbed her hand roughly, pulling her sexily to him.

"I meant for you to stop! The Dark Lord has asked me to tell you to stop harming Pettigrew."

Bellatrix pushed herself off of him and ran her long fingernails down his chest, smirking. "Bella no allowed to play anymore?"

"Indeed." Snape said curtly, turning on his heel and walking swiftly out in long strides.

He heard the rat hit the wall one more time before he was out of Malfoy Manor.

* * *

><p>"It's snowing again!" Leopard pressed her nose to the glass of the window, looking around excitedly and shaking with energy.<p>

"Obviously." Said Sassy from her bed, trying to read her Transfiguration book. "What'd you think it was, milk?"

Leopard just did a little twirl and fell on her bedspread. "Guys," She said softly after a moment. "Do you think Shad will come to the Snow Ball?"

"No Shad won't come to the fucking Snow Ball. He's a fucking dog."

"What bit you in the ass today Sassy?" Leif asked her, throwing one of his Tempurpedic pillows at her face. She blocked it easily with her hand, throwing it back at him.

"Settle down." Axle complained, trying to do a tricky freezing charm, his Charms book lying limply in his lap, the pages crumpled and ripped. "_Occulto Glacies!_"

The tip of his wand let out a small wisp of cold air, but showed no other sign of responding to what he said. Axle looked down at his wand sadly, muttering the same words over and over again to himself.

Bruised was peering at the sheet that was handed to everyone about the Snow Ball. "Dress robes? Are they fucking serious? I'm going in normal clothes, though I suppose a dress might woo the headmaster."

"If he swings that way."

"Which he doesn't."

"Not even a little."

Bruised just snorted at their comments and continued to read over the piece of paper. It was more so a distraction than anything; an eerie memory kept creeping into her brain and she was tired of it. _When can I tell them? Will I tell them? It's been a while, they should know, shouldn't they?_

It had been a few weeks since she snooped through Dumbledore's office, reading Professor McGonagall's letter that was addressed to the headmaster. At the time it was amusing, but the words flashed through her mind on a daily basis, and it was more troubling than anything else lately. She thought of the most worrying sentence:

_Whatever you choose to do, you must remember that it is just too risky to tell the Five at this time._

What could they possibly be hiding from them? It had to be serious; the Gryffindor Head of House was blatantly avoiding putting it on paper in the letter.

_I'll tell them at the ball._ She decided, and once it was decided, it was done. There was no point to continue to worry about it. It's not like there was much they could do about it, of course, but holding the knowledge by herself made her stomach churn.

_If Voldemort wants to kill us, he needs to fucking do it. Kill Leif, for god's sake, and let us sneak away. It's the best choice, anyway. He's the most successful of us all._

"Take anyone," She murmured, slanting her eyes and looking at the other Four suspiciously. "Just don't take me."

* * *

><p>They all ended up going to the Snow Ball in their regular clothes, and as they crowded with the rest of the Gryffindors outside the portrait hole, they got more than one dirty look from females dressed in shiny dresses. They watched as many of the students trotted down the corridor to meet their partners from other Houses, greeting them with smiles and locking their arms together.<p>

"This is wrong." Leif sighed, rubbing his eyes. "So wrong. It's almost sickening to watch. I could have made three Greasemonkey scripts by now." He would have gone on more, but as he finished his phrase he felt someone bump against him hard, causing his glasses to fall off. "Oi!" He called, putting his glasses back on and glaring at Axle. "Where they hell are you going and why the hell are you going so fast?"

Axle grinned, pushing his hair out of his eyes. He had put a few enchantments on his face, and the scars on it were less noticeable. "Meeting up with Luna, didn't I tell you?"

"You did, I just wasn't paying attention." Leif responded curtly and Axle's lip curled for a moment before he turned back and jogged the rest of the way to the corridor where the Ravenclaws were waiting.

"He is going to end up marrying a complete psycho." Leopard said casually, messing with the bottom button of her school shirt, the threads fraying. "Loony Lovegood. She's quite insane; I'd never act like that."

Nobody said anything.

After a while the crowd started to move, and Leopard seemed to be searching the crowd for someone. "Neville!" She called out, running up to talk to the pink faced boy with a genuine smile on her face. "Can we go to the Snow Ball together?"

"Uh…" Neville paled at the sight of the girl running up to him. "Actually I'm going with Hannah Abbott-" He motioned to the girl his arm was linked with. "-from Hufflepuff. Sorry Leopard."

A look of enormous rage shadowed over Leopard's face, but the remaining three couldn't hear what she was saying from as far away as they were. She was yelling _something_, and as she got angrier her voice got louder and they picked up a bit.

"Hufflepuff whore…I'm a nice person…meant to be…destined…bitch probably hasn't completed Trivia…lemon drops…YOU'RE GOING WITH ME!"

After a few minutes of this, and Hannah ripping her grip from Neville's and yelling at him along with Leopard, Neville walked into the Great Hall with Leopard looking around excitedly, linked arm and arm with him.

"Everyone sit down." Said a booming voice from the front, and they all looked up to see Dumbledore grinning proudly from a large stage at the front of the room. The entire Hall was decorated with elegant white drapes, snowy Christmas trees, snowflakes flittering softly from the ceiling, and floating candles. They all settled down around the little tables scattered around the room, looking expectantly at the Headmaster. "Get on with it!" Loudly shouted an annoyed Ron, who was sitting next to Lavender. "Some of us don't have all day!"

If Dumbledore had heard him he did not show it in the slightest. "Welcome," he smiled, raising his arms to air hug them all. "To the first annual Snow Ball. This will be marked as an important day in history, it will. You will be famous!" He stopped for applause, but as there was none, he continued. "You can dance, and dance, and dance some more! There are some refreshments on the right side of the room, my right, but don't think about spiking anything." He looked stern for a moment. "We have some people guarding the punch with their lives." There were a couple of laughs, but Dumbledore looked serious.

"Anyhoo, I must inform you that we will have absolutely no tolerance for any love making in the Hall. Two people got expelled last year for doing it during breakfast, and the Snow Ball's rules will be no different. You may kiss, but that kiss may not last longer than a second and a half, or we will be forced to take points. It's only fair." He stopped at this, and as everyone looked up, the lights dimmed and the podium on which he was standing behind started to sink into the floor.

"With that I say, begin!"

The chairs swooped from under them along with the tables, most of them flying into the wall, though some stopping to flank the dance floor on the edge of the room. Axle and Luna stood up together as their chairs disappeared, Axle looking as if Christmas _was_ really here as he started to dance with Luna.

"Care to dance?" Leif asked a girl that walked by, and the girl looked at him rudely.

"What, with you?" She gave a short laugh and walked away, muttering to herself.

"Man, this sucks!" Complained Leif, and he sat down in one of the chairs, folding his arms across his chest.

Sassy headed towards the refreshments, feeling queasy from all the love floating through the air. It was absolutely sickening, as Leif said earlier. She walked up and poured herself some punch, looking at it with an annoyed glance as flavor powder floated to the bottom. "Fucking perfect." She mumbled before downing it all.

She went to pour herself a glass of the other flavor, supposedly grape instead of just fruit, but a voice behind her cut through her thoughts. "I wouldn't do that if you valued your awareness, Miss Girl05."

Sassy turned and nearly dropped the glass as Snape's grumpy appearance came into view. He was glaring at her, arms crossed over his chest, the same type of black robes he wore every day billowing slightly. As she stumbled with the glass long, pale fingers tenderly pulled it from her grip, brushing against her palm like a cold breeze. She sucked in a small breath of air.

"What the hell are you doing here?" She sneered, copying his posture and folding her arms across her chest. "Guarding the punch with your life?"

"Precisely, Miss Girl05." Snape replied as he poured her glass of punch back into the bowl, waving his wand across it a few times and looking bored. The air was uncomfortable. "This particular bowl of punch seems to have a bit of the Dreamless Sleep Potion in it. Not enough to put you to sleep, obviously, but enough to make you slightly dizzy and hinder your… _ability to make decisions_, as we'll call it."

"I don't particularly give a shit." Sassy replied sourly, turning to walk across the dance floor; she was just about to step into the throng of dancing couples when he said something that literally broke all of the control she was hanging on to.

"Five points from Gryffindor."

She turned around slowly, eyes flaming. She stomped over to where he was standing, looking around lazily at the students collecting food. "What the _fuck_ did you just say?"

Snape's gaze flickered over to her. "Fifteen points from Gryffindor."

"Your fucking nerve! I can't fucking believe you! After what you fucking did to me during my detention you have the fucking balls to take points from me! Twenty fucking points! I could have you fired, you hardass, Slytherin prat!"

Snape's eyes glowed, and he towered over her, hands clenched. "You foolish child. You're honestly going to report that we kissed to Dumbledore? _You_ initiated it, _I_ pulled away. I could have _you_ expelled for trying to make a move on a teacher, and you're lucky I haven't already. My conscious must have had a lapse of sanity for not reporting you. It's not too late, fortunately."

"You still don't stop, do you? You're going to have the bloody nerve to claim I started it? What stops me from showing Dumbledore my memories; I hear you can do that. What do you think your bloody boss is going to say to that? Surely I don't have the fucking skill to tamper with my memories, I'm a _foolish child._"

Snape was about to give a scathing reply, but as he opened his mouth to respond a giggling Ron pulled Lavender by the hand in between the arguing pair. Their rudeness broke the atmosphere, and Snape stalked away to the other side of the refreshment table, leaving Sassy with her eyes scrunched and mouth hanging open.

As she stood there, Dumbledore sat in a seat about fifty feet away, his face expressing equal shock. He had used a spell to eavesdrop on their conversation, as he enjoyed doing on all of Snape's conversations, and had watched and heard their entire confrontation.

_Dear Merlin…not Severus. She is far too young; he couldn't have…who to believe…_

It didn't matter who was truthful and who was not; it was still serious and he would have to confront Snape later. He watched as the Potions master yelled at a Hufflepuff for "taking too much punch" and dropping Hufflepuff's House points by at least twenty percent.

Dumbledore rubbed his temples, the festivities not seeming nearly as fun as they did five minutes before. Problems were multiplying at an amazingly fast rate, his ability to cope with them running thin. This on top of the prophecy could hurt many feelings and even take lives, something Dumbledore was prepared for mentally but not emotionally.

Everything could go so wrong, so easily.

As he thought over everything, someone sat down beside him, and Dumbledore glanced to his right to see Bruised smirking at him. "Why hello!" He smiled nervously, twiddling his thumbs and glancing around to see if there were any ways he could escape. Seeing there were none, he turned his chair to face her and smiled again. "I couldn't help but notice that your friend, Miss Girl05, seems angry at the present time."

Bruised looked over casually to see where Sassy was standing in a corner by herself, glaring at everyone dumb enough to get in a ten feet radius of her. "Oh, her? Don't worry about it. Her panties are just twisted because she digs Snape." Bruised told him, somewhat bored. "It's nothing new."

Dumbledore glanced up at the "digging Snape" part, and wanted to delve into the topic further. Bruised didn't give him a chance, though, and looked at him with for once was a serious manner. "Dumbles, I have a question, and I want a straight answer."

"I can't promise that." Dumbledore informed her, folding his hands on the table and giving her his full attention. "But you can ask me anyway." What she finally said threw him completely off balance.

"What the fuck are you hiding from me and the other Four? I know there's something, and I am pretty sure it has something to do with Voldemort."

"I don't think…"

"I said I wanted a direct answer."

Dumbledore's mind swirled with all the possible consequences of telling them, and he wasn't sure telling them would turn out for the best in the long run. But he thought of Harry, how he had kept the prophecy hidden from him for years, finally only telling him at the start of the term. How Harry had to face Voldemort twice, three times if you counted Riddle's memory, before knowing the truth. Going in blindly. Anything could happen; Voldemort could show up at any moment these days, and it was time Dumbledore stopped hiding.

"Fine." He said, frowning. "Follow me to my office and I will tell you everything."

"Should I bring the others?"

"It would be better, but it would be easier to tell you if I told you alone. You can pass the information along afterwards."

"Let's go, then."

* * *

><p>"I personally love dancing; it's a favorite hobby of mine." Axle smiled as he and Luna swirled around the dance floor in an elegant sweep, keeping in time perfectly as he twirled her around a few times.<p>

Luna glanced at his robes, eyes lighting up as she picked a piece of lint off of the black fabric. "It'll add to my collection!" She muttered, excited, as she put the piece of lint on her own clothing. Axle didn't say anything to that, and they continued to sweep around the Hall.

He poked out his tongue, catching a snowflake on the tip. "Isn't this snow realistic? I never knew wizards could make it snow _inside._ We should have some beaches in the classrooms. In California we had beaches in the classrooms."

Luna wasn't paying attention, instead gazing at his shirt to see if it held any lint. Axle glanced around nervously, seeing a few older couples going to the darker parts of the floor to snog. He purposely danced toward on of these spots, leaning in a little closer to Luna's face.

"I've never been in a serious relationship." He breathed, slowing his dancing until they were just standing. "I once dated this chick, but turns out she just wanted to ride me." His words were meant to impress, but Luna only looked excitedly at a piece of lint she found on one of the pockets of his slacks.

"Wanna go in one of the empty classrooms?" He asked suddenly, somewhat embarrassed. Luna nodded absentmindedly, and he led her out of the Hall happily.

"What sluts!" Leopard gazed at Axle and Luna leaving, clutching on Neville's arms with a death grip. She looked at him, grinning, her hat tipping over her eyes. "You're an amazing dancer," she told him proudly, not noticing how clumsily he waltzed. "I could dance with you forever."

"Uh, Leopard…" Neville trailed off, wincing slightly at her tight grip on his arms. He looked as if he had wanted to say something for a while, and was only just now collecting the courage to do so. "Your obsession with me…I don't really understand it…and uh, it's kind of creepy…I'd like it to stop…"

Leopard wasn't paying attention. "The hall is so pretty."

Neville just stuttered some more and tried to dance better.

They were in the middle of doing a semi-complicated waltz when a flushed Bruised hurried towards them, her eyes bloodshot and looking very serious, something she rarely seemed to be. Something was wrong.

"Leo, you need to stop dancing and come with me to the common room. Find Axle, I'll get Sassy and Leif. I need to tell you all something."

Leopard looked at Neville's relieved face a few inches above her and then back at Bruised. "Is it important?"

Bruised glared at her from above her glasses. "Yes, it's fucking important and you better damn do what I say."

Leopard gave a dramatic sigh and detached herself from Neville, who nearly collapsed from the pressure being lifted. "T-Thank you…" He stuttered, glancing at Bruised while breathing heavily and leaning against the back of a chair. "So much…"

Leopard walked out of the Hall and down the corridors, calling out "Axle!" as she did so.

* * *

><p>Luna bit her lip and looked around the room curiously, the desk she was sitting on becoming slightly uncomfortable. Axle had kissed her, it felt rather odd, and he tugged at her clothing a bit for some reason. It was all so weird.<p>

Dust coated most of the room, but she had cleaned the desk with a spell before she sat on it. "What are you doing?" She asked Axle curiously, looking down at him.

"Oh nothing," Axle replied from between her legs, tugging at a piece of clothing that someone not her definitely hadn't tugged on before. "I'm just looking for Nargles."

Luna looked confused. "But I have my radish earrings on…though I guess you know best."

Axle was just about to continue when he heard a familiar voice ringing down the halls, calling his name. He thought about ignoring it, but as it became closer he heard the loud creak and bang of doors opening, and he knew he would have to face it. Sighing and standing up, he walked over to the door and opened it before Leopard could. "The fuck you want?"

Leopard looked at him, eyes narrowed as she took in the scene of Luna sitting happily on the desk and his flushed cheeks. Her lips pursed, and she looked like she was about to comment disapprovingly, but Axle raised his eyebrow, so she just continued. "It's Bruised, she wants to talk to us. It's important, apparently."

Axle was about to protest, but Leopard grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him away, Luna calling "Bye!" cheerfully, looking curiously at a pile of lint in one of the corners in the classroom.

* * *

><p>"What the hell is it, Bruised?" Leif glared at her, sitting in one of the poofy chairs in the common room. It was deserted, as expected, and they all sat or stood around the fire with some form of annoyance on their faces.<p>

"Don't fucking talk to me like that, you prat!" Bruised snapped at him, equally annoyed.

"Then spit it out." Sassy growled from her right, tapping her foot and twitching ever so often.

Bruised rounded on her, hands on her hips. "Not you, either, you Slytherin loving bitch! I could fucking ruin you if I wanted to, and you'll never know why unless you shut the fuck up."

"Neener, neener, I know something you don't know!" Leopard mimicked Bruised, the glare on her face glowing in the light of the fire. It flickered ever so often.

"Nailed it, Leo." Axle rolled his eyes, leaning against one of the chairs.

"EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The severity of her voice did, in fact, shut them all up, and they all turned to face her, waiting for some answers. "Now," Said Bruised, sitting down. "Now that I have everyone's _fucking attention_, I want you to all sit down."

They all reluctantly sat in a chair or on the floor, as Leopard chose so in-character to do. Bruised looked at them all, preparing herself for their reaction. She took some sick pleasure in that moment for being the only one of them to know what she was about to say, and for a second she thought about keeping it to herself.

But it was too late.

"We have a prophecy."


End file.
